I'm writing as of now, at the library. It's raining outside and I have nobody to talk to so here I am, I'd just take some time to write on my diary. Some thoughts occupy my mind every now and then, things such as life, future plans and goals, faith and sometimes, perspective changing particularly on seeing things and situations based on the Islamic point of view. So in other words, I could say I'm currently on a transition phase, trying to adapt myself to the changes that life brings, and what Allah (swt) has in store for me. And although most of the time, I fall in despair and a sense of loneliness, I reflect on Islamic teachings and never cease praying to Allah (swt), to console me in my sadness, and then amid the heaviness of my heart and tears, I still believe that everything that's happening right now has a greater wisdom and a better purpose, and just like any other event that had happened way back when I was younger, I can only look back at them now and realize that they happened because of good reasons.
Though we may plan, Allah (swt) is still the best of planners. We are all given free will to choose and freedom to execute our actions, and those things are themselves blessings and an entrusted responsibility from Allah (swt). Because this life is a test, not an aim or a pursuit of personal desires. It is within this life that God tests us to see how we can perform or utilize our freedom, whether it is to obey Him and accomplish His purpose for us (which is to worship Him alone), or whether we choose to rebel and pursue our whims and desires. When I was a bit younger I'd look at this matter with questioning, and so I tried to study many fields and endeavors, like literature, psychology, science, and art. But in the end, they weren't able to satisfy what I was questioning or looking for, so eventually, I turned back to my faith and re-read again its pure and basic teachings, this time, with an open heart. At this point, I realize how absurd it was to neglect my faith for things which are only invented or endeavored by human beings who were created by God just like me. I would like to turn the focus of my heart to where it truly belongs, and that is Allah (swt), the Creator of my heart, my mind, the universe, and all that exists.
A few days ago, I turned a year older and sad to say, I didn't feel any sense of joy or excitement. What reminded me is that I am getting older and therefore, coming nearer and nearer to the inevitable fate of life. When my parents told me that it's my birthday, I told them that I am getting closer and closer to death. This awareness is what is now driving me to turn back to Allah (swt), my Creator. I am spending a lot of time researching about Islam, about the real purpose of my existence, about why I am here, about what God had given me, all these blessings, all these material comforts, and status in life. I am getting anxious about what He has prepared for me, and how one day He will question me as to how I used these entrusted blessings, if I used it to accomplish the purpose and mission in life that He had given me.
So as of now, I am pondering on a future goal which in its sense very challenging at this particular point in my life. I am planning to write a book about Islam, with a subject matter which is of utmost importance. I know that my writing skills are way very unsuitable for this endeavor, but hopefully, if Allah wills, He will grant me sufficient ability to embark on this task.
On another note, to somehow ease down things a bit, I'm glad to write that I bought my Canon DSLR. It's a Canon Eos Rebel T3, and it's now right here strapped around my neck, as of writing. I had always been ranting that I really need the camera for the last three years and finally, here it is, Alhamdulillah. Some of my previous blog entries had been about me wanting to have a DSLR, such as these,
* For Me
I keep true to my word and I don't want to deceive myself by saying things which I am not going to do, so I decided to have it, and I'm so glad that I have it now. :) Hopefully, Insha'Allah, I'll post some of the photos I took with it. I named it as 'Hannah' while the little Canon Powershot-A1200 is named as 'Hannika'.
That's it for now. It's such a random writing. But to spend time here is like charging my inner batteries. It's my little place of quiet and reflection, and of somehow looking at things with a refreshing perspective.
