Hello blog! how are you? I decided of trying to visit here for a while to give some life updates that I had for, let me see, more than a year. Yes, I had my previous entry last July 2022. So, in my previous entry, I wrote about my research... hmmm, well things had progressed a bit in my research. It underwent initial review and revision, and now I'm down on the final step of revising it after it went through peer review. If things will work out, after this revision, I'll be proceeding to the next steps before being able to gather my data.
I know that it's taking quite a long bit of time, but I want to take it on my own pace, making sure that the paper is polished before submission. And, with the other workload that I have right now, including my private practice and studies, I would like to believe that I am able to manage things even if it takes a toll on me on certain days. I am at this point in my life where I am filled with gratitude because many of my dreams years ago had become reality. Even if there are days when I wake up and wish I rested a bit longer or feel frustrated, fatigued, or filled with worry, if I would sum up how I see my life right now, every day, I am filled with so much awe and passion that it is never enough, to sum up in words all these feelings that I have towards life.
Hello, it's almost two years since I last wrote a text entry here and since that last post, I guess, it would be self-explanatory to say that many things had happened since then. There had been significant, let's say, wins or successes and they are noteworthy, although they may seem to be not to others. I also remember writing on my notebook, an unfinished entry where I described several rejection experiences which made me question a lot about where I am supposed to be- those rejections were by people who proved to lack the courage to tell me upfront the reasons why.
But anyway, that was two years ago, and looking back, during the span of months starting the end of 2018 until mid-2019, the turn of events made sense to me, and relating it to the plans of a Higher Power, the events that transpired not only made sense but are well-planned. I had to wait for a lot of years and endure a lot of hardships in almost all aspects of my life to realize where and to what I was really preparing for.
Yes, I can say that I am happy, grateful, and was able to understand the many ways that fate had turned out to be, but at the same time, I cannot claim for any sort of entitlement or credit... simply because if there was one thing that I can be certain of to have learned all these past years- is to embrace the nature of uncertainty. Ahhh. Why am I writing these? It feels like, because of all these uncertainties, I am aware that there is a possibility that anything can happen within the span of a very short time unexpectedly. And that awareness is keeping me grounded on my feet, instead of assuming myself above a certain level of certainty.
Okay, that's it for now. I hope (fingers crossed) to be updating the space this year and also to add in some of the entries I wrote on my notebooks to fill in the gaps that were missing for 2019-2020. Sorry for the long absence.
Tossing Up the Rainbow Bubbles by Ida Rentoul Outhwaite, CA 1931
These past months since the eve of this year, I found myself in between times that seemed that a lot of things are no longer making sense. And it's not about me anymore or what I actually demand of the world, but how things are happening and what they are supposed to be according to the expectations of the people around me are going through constant contradictions. The disparity becomes overwhelming when the unavoidable and the unexpected happens and one is gripped to hold on even in the presence of helplessness in order to survive. I suspect that this is not limited in today's world, but is always present since human beings had formed the sanctum of inner self-awareness, that there will be many instances in the lifetime of a person that one's foundation of values are not compatible in present reality - and one has to compromise them in order to survive. Most often, the problems that one also encounters in life are not because of own personal follies, but in dealing with other people, and the immense pressure of adjusting to them to the point of sacrificing one's integrity.
There is this beautiful and timely quote by Marion Woodman, a Jungian analyst, about going through these changes of self and one's own point of views,
There comes a time in your life when you know that the life you have been living is over and you don't have a clue who you are becoming.
This is apt because these realizations spark the beginning of changes in ones own life and self. They may not at times, seem visible to the senses but they are perceived within ones own mind. In this process is a gradual discarding of ones deeply held beliefs not because one is helplessly adjusting or adapting to the outside world, but because they no longer stand the test of time and are no longer helpful to ones self and well-being. Why am I thinking about this? On the first day of this present month, I was finally able to submit the hardbound copy of my graduate school thesis and at last, earned a long-awaited end of obtaining my diploma after few days of submission. I felt a sigh of relief, of having a dark cloud above my head go away, and felt the burden of waiting removed from my chest and my head.
However, the initial excitement of having finished the degree gradually waned and it was replaced with feelings of betrayal and disappointment. These feelings were due to circumstances that revealed the not-so-good motives of many people whom I trusted, and as a whole in the entire profession itself. This sense of realization for these feelings were what I had, in the recent years before I decided to want to practice my field again lead me to turn to other diversions which, I was fortunate enough to have contributed to my spiritual and intellectual growth.
They are not new to me, and seeing them arise again through people and circumstances is now, eventually leading me to think and move forward to refining my set of values, and to at least harness them in this constant growth process. This reconsideration is not limited to people, but in critiquing what needs to be critiqued, to constantly strive for authenticity, to stand on ones truth, and to never deceive oneself or other people.
Hypocrisy is often a mask that is worn by people to hide their hidden agenda, and it is not advisable nowadays to trust everybody. Caution is the key and it is important to reserve one's attachments to those who, through the test of time had earned one's trust and moral support.
And I think, with these thoughts and musings that I came to realize that to sacrifice one's own truth to accommodate or to fit into the mold of other people's standards or values is not worth it if it costs one's own health and growth and the price is disappointment and betrayal. The essence of ones own boundaries and truth is important in a world that constantly gaslights and manipulates you to follow its whims of who it expects one to be and abandon the spark of the inner world of truth and beauty.
A few years ago, 2012 to be exact, I remember making a wish-list for myself. The list included the following items: a pair of boots, a digital SLR, bookshelf, stability and balance, optimism, strength and powerful reasoning, peace, justice, happiness and new love. My list during that time seemed almost impossible, since I could hardly afford any expensive material things including gadgets or heavy pieces of furniture. I was very particular at saving what I have to buy books or necessary stuff that I can use everyday, and those items seemed almost like luxury.
However, unexpected events happened that lead all of those material wishes to eventually find their way to reality, and much more unwritten wishes coming to life. Certainly, there were mishaps and misfortunes, a great deal of frustrations, sorrows and disappointments - but the solace of reading and solitude, persistence in the presence of troubles; and personal detachment - perhaps enabled me to pass through as the years went by.
It is very difficult to pass the years when I don't share most of the values of the people around me. It can be terribly alienating. Very often, I question my individual integrity and happiness, and if it is possible to be at peace within myself if I just follow what is expected of me instead of what I strongly believe in. Even reality presents itself in various ways that sometimes, I doubt if what is being called 'reality' is even reality at all. Time passed by so fast without me noticing it. Sometimes, I get so absorbed in many activities, but at the end of the day when I process what had happened, it just seems that it was just a dream that slowly fades away in memory. Everything, it appears, is just a Distraction: away from the certainty of life, and the fact that it is just a Distraction is a reason that anticipating mishaps or worrying about the future is pointless.
Looking back since six years after I wrote the simple wish-list, I am grateful to have acquired both material items, except for partly some of the intangible items that were included on the list. Maybe, because I think that items such as justice and stability are unattainable. There is no perfect justice in this world, not even stability. Chaos, uncertainty and suffering are everywhere - they exist in the human mind and they are present in the external world. However, it is a necessity to at least lessen suffering even in small individual acts and to re-arrange chaos to a form which, if not pleasant, is at least tolerable to the beholder.
This year, as I reflect for being a year older, I realize that there are values that I held firmly that need to be discarded. Years were spent reflecting on them and it dawned on me that they are no longer necessary in my journey. There are, however, thoughts and beliefs that will stay - but as a whole, I can definitely say that I am no longer the same person when I was younger. I can no longer hold on to many things that weighed me down as a person even if they were present in my darkest years, and they need to be outgrown and kept away neatly at the boxes of memory.
Neither do I have to pretend or to act to be somebody I am definitely not, or to fake a facade or emotions to show to the world - that to me is a betrayal of individual integrity and authenticity. A lot of sufferings in the human condition are caused by people faking their real selves and showing false emotions to manage the impressions that other people may have on them. You do not have to smile if your heart is aching inside. Let your pain and suffering express themselves, but never forget to confide your innermost thoughts and feelings only to the people who value you and can safeguard your humanity and dignity.
For this year, I can definitely say that I am grateful for having accepted and expressed my authenticity to myself and the people in my life. I have distanced and cut myself from anything or anybody who have caused me hurt or betrayed me, I became in tune with my inner self by setting time for self-reflection and by doing what I am passionate about, to have forgiven my mistakes and the past, to constantly make the effort to change what is unpleasant about my actions to other people, to be more self-reliant and kind to people and living things, to never ask for personal validation, and to have nurtured my intellectual life.
Last July to September, I was able to teach at a university - a milestone and a dream come true even for the time being. On August, I was able to present my Masteral Thesis at graduate school, which I had been writing since last year; last week I traveled out of town to visit National Museums at Manila, and this weekend, I traveled with my family to Baguio City. I only produced meager paintings this year, but both were fulfilling because the process reminded me of the joy of seeing colors coming together to form a finished work.
Material-wise, I had a new computer, a new set of books, a new easel, and a new printing machine. Relationships with my family had improved this year, and I had wonderful colleagues during my short stay at the university. What the future is, I do not know. I just hope that I finish my Masteral degree this year so that I can focus on preparing for writing new researches on my field and helping other people, or to continue teaching. I'm reminded of a quote by the author and writer, F. Scott Fitzgerald, because it reflects my mindset this year, that growing older liberates a person from the past because what the future has to offer is a new beginning,
The future is always open for possibilities. Plans are rough estimates of how we envision things or events may happen, but they do not always turn out how we expected them. This openness of the future is what makes life, I think, in-between the certainties of death - its charm and mystery that humanity may never fully fathom or understand.
It was probably more than a year since I wrote thoughts here, and there were so much things that had happened since then. It was October last year, that I had my first formal job. Things happened by so fast, that after a long day, I had to process everything, but it was often overwhelming. And admittedly, there were so many lessons learned through all those months, and still a lot to learn.
The setup at my work was located at a province some five hours travel by bus. My duty was during weekdays and I had my regular day off during weekends. The place was very far, and in order to get to work everyday, I had to walk kilometers if there was no available transportation. The climate was harsh and the location was located at a military camp. Through barely a year, I braved through walking alone, and to deal with many kinds of people, including a toxic work environment and colleagues, but nonetheless patients with whom I learned a lot from as well. The contrast was that, when colleagues are pulling each other down through intrigues and false stories, I learned to vocalize and educate my patients and in the process learn that in helping others, one can in turn discover that one can also help oneself. It was like theories are unfolding in real life and they no longer were mere ideas or words written on paper. In Filipino, I can say it was an experience of 'tibayan ng loob' or strengthening of ones will. Then, I came to learn how envy, hatred, disrespect, lust for power and toxicity can exist even on whom one cannot suspect people to have. It was when one discovers to how much extent one has to adapt and compromise - without losing oneself and ones sanity in the process. I can only imagine the turmoil I had experienced in order to see I made it through. I thought, now I'm just beginning to see the realities of what I had chosen, and somehow though that what I was willing to share could help improve the system, I was eyed with anger and malice. And then an incident happened that made me suddenly resign and here I am starting again, finding my niche anew.
It's true that one cannot live entirely deceiving oneself that reality exists the way we see it through rose-tinted spectacles, there's so much out there that could severely test our ideals. No matter how much we might be willing to give, impart, or contribute - the tests can be so devastating that it can make or break our will or even make us feel disillusioned that what we had held so dear might not even be how they really seem.
But despite it, it will always be a constant journey of learning and self-renewal, of new discoveries. In the process, pain, frustration and disappointments happen, we can see ourselves falling back into occasional experience of despair and rejection which is a time and an opportune to reflect, process, reconsider, plan and make sense out of it all. When it seems to be it like it is the end of it, a time suddenly comes when we also become tired of our own situation, boredom sets in, and then a renewed sense of energy grows within. That's definitely a sign that a new beginning is about to set. One can never get stuck on one place only isn't it? The ups and downs are signs of life, anxiety, worry, fears, and the anticipation of the unknown sets in, who knows it will be the start of something new, a prelude to what we are yearning for even in our unconscious minds.
These are some photos I had been taking these past few days, some little reminders that life can be refreshing and calm, and sweet! By the way, I'm currently on a project, patiently waiting for my thesis proposal schedule, and I hope these coming days I can write a little bit more frequently here!
The third month of the year is about to end, and I was thinking about how this year is going on for me (in terms of personal growth) and about so many things going on around the world and also about people in general.
The amount of information and sensory stimuli is very overwhelming, and I'm reminded of one of Jason Silva's episode on Brain Games where he presented at the busy streets of New York City saying that a very short amount of time of exposure at the huge amount distraction and stimuli can bring a breakdown to a person. And while it is necessary for us to be aware of our surroundings or of what is happening, the bombardment of all kinds of information is no longer healthy, especially when the suffering of many people is now reduced to a public spectacle not only on the media but also on 'social media'. There is a need for us to actively seek what is important and what really matters, instead of us as being passive consumers of information that is now being reducible to junk - since what effect do these stimuli have on us if it does not benefit our well-being, bring a difference to the lives of others, or motivate us to do concrete actions for the good? These are just my ramblings and just a fraction of what is occupying my mind lately. Somehow, one cannot have a sound conscience to be happy in the presence of humanity's pain and suffering.
In the midst of all this, even if it sounds cliche, I prefer to maintain hope albeit it be benign, to sustain the daily fears and anxieties, to make sense out of it all, to never lose the sense of virtue, to seek to understand.
It’s been more than a year perhaps since I have written about Islam. Most of what I had been posting in this blog are quotes, excerpts, photos I took, and videos. And one might even wonder what these pieces imply and what picture are they purported to make?
A Tough Way
I have one thing to admit. I went through an internal crisis in faith. It was brought by some unfortunate events that were unavoidable and then - in the process of my study in the religion, I came to encounter some extremely difficult issues that shook my foundations. It was indeed painfully tough and one has to be very strong to go through such kind of experience. I’m not saying that I am strong because I didn’t even thought I could go through and still, there are traces of it. What most people do not know is that even if one is not talking or expressing much, that does not mean that a person does not get affected, disturbed, irritated, or angry when s/he is attacked. We, through the passing of times; surrounded with an endless stream of information and interaction, socially conditioned via media and consumerism, driven by this grand desire to be liked or get fame or be accepted, and with this apparent contradiction between what one says and what one actually does in both private and public in the name of some sort of belief or principle; have become so desensitized that we forgot how it is to be a human being. Superficial and narrow rhetoric based on religion has the same effect of desensitizing the humanity in us.
When it comes to matters of faith and creed, I am extremely meticulous and continuously strive to walk in a sort of road to maintain balance. It is not easy being a lone student of religion, compared to others who have teachers whom they can consult.
In my three years as a librarian, I am surrounded with Islamic books of many different orientations and in my encounters with them, here are some observations: there are authors who are very lenient in their style; some are dogmatic, stern and unaccommodating in their views; others are simply making lists and classifications making the book feel like a manual; some while actively refuting others are at the same time advancing their own propositions; some offer insights and at the end only seem to keep the reader hanging with an open-ended question; others are like specialists dealing with only one topic without considering other equally important perspectives; and some are multi-faceted – meaning that their approach is interdisciplinary – making sense from their insights and offering a balanced perspective of the whole topic at hand. The last one, like most readers prefer, is my favorite (once again). It used to be so before, but when I decided to study religion, I turned to those books with the kind which are dogmatic and unaccommodating, those which feel like a manual, and those with refutations. While on the process of studying the content of these books, I noticed some changes. I began to see the world around me in black and white. Everything has to be exact, all questions have to be answered clearly, all matters of life have a ruling in them. I felt robotic with no feelings, whatsoever. Everything has to be precise and correct, otherwise, one runs the risk of sinning or ones actions being rejected by God.
And then, to supplement these readings, I decided to listen to lectures. What is very noticeable in these lectures is the way those people talk and deliver their subject. There is a lot of shouting, reprimanding, etc. The effect is not peace of mind and heart, rather that of worry and anxiety. I was kept wondering why instead of developing a sense of nearness and love to God, the opposite was happening. At the back of my mind, something tells me that this is not it is supposed to be, and eventually, the reasons being so began to show.
Two of what I think are the most disturbing that these people made in their ‘lectures’ and written ‘treatises’ is their approach in understanding the concept of Afterlife which belong in the Ghaib (Unperceived), and in their view and treatment of women. They are extremely literal in their understanding and interpretation of it, and when it comes to women – I saw a lot of hypocrisy in the views that they state in contrast with their actual attitudes, and in reality. I remember one speaker making a sarcastic remark which was followed by insulting laughter from a male audience on a topic which concerns women. The speaker was wearing a head cap and a typical long robe and with a beard. I was shocked by that display of such an unbecoming attitude. The moment I discovered this line of thinking and interpretation, I realized that I have to take a step back. If I entrust my religion and faith on the hands of these people, when clearly there are mistakes in their interpretation and understanding of it, including the display of negative behavior, there has to be a way for me to return to my foundations. Those were the reasons why I have not actively written anything for more than a year and in fact, I stopped reading what I now call those ‘dogmatically-styled books’ that caused so much trouble not only to me but to many Muslims especially the youth who are finding their way back to Islam.
There is a tendency for students of religion or any student for that matter to 'accept everything' that they read instead of maintaining a position of an observer and engaging in an internal dialogue with the author by exercising the habit of critical thinking. Especially in the case of religious studies, when one is presented with statements containing a lot of verses from the Qur'an and quotations from the Ahadith, it is very tempting that the entire content written should be accepted as an end in itself. The amount of admiration or emulation of the student with the author, teacher or preacher is proportional to what one has been conditioned or internalized within oneself to believe by hearing what one likes to hear and then gaining the justification to act out in a certain way based on feelings such as frustration, hatred or rage. But if a student was taught early on about the basic principles and values of the religion, and educated with the sciences developed by man, particularly psychology (human nature) and philosophy, she or he will notice the difference and the essence of what is being read. In fact if we are to read some writings by exemplary scholars, studying other disciplines is highly commendable in the sense that when one understands Islam and the sciences together, the more balanced will ones perspective be in contributing to the progress and development of the community. Education is a part of ones obligation towards Allah swt because it is a fulfillment of Amanah (Trust between God and man), and frees one from the shackles of ignorance and unreasonable blind following.
The lack of insight to reality, life and history as well as into God's ways, or Sunan in His creation, some people will continue to seek or demand the impossible. They will imagine what does not or cannot happen, misunderstand occurrences and events, and interpret them on the basis of cherished illusions which in no way reflect God's sunan or the essence of Islamic law.
- Yusuf al-Qaradawi
In the case of Islamic studies, if the main texts (the Qur'an and Ahadith) are presented along an approach or a premise that contradicts the values and principles of Islam such as mercy, justice, respect, consideration and goodness, and instead presents it as something which is intolerant, violent or oppressive, it should be questioned and evaluated. Being unable to develop that kind of discernment is the root of extremism and deviancy that had corrupted Muslim minds until the present day, and this explains why some people become violent and adopt perverted ideologies (such as ISIS and other terrorist groups) and lose their goodness as human beings.
In the topic of Afterlife, what is to be found in Paradise and Hellfire, what will happen to the destinies of people, etc. – all scholars agree and we have to remember, that the things which are mentioned in the Qur’an and Ahadith are not to be taken literally as these things belong in another dimension which is beyond our perception, hence they are part of the Ghaib (Unperceived). The same is also true when we read of concepts like the the Throne, the Footstool, the Hands of God, His Face, etc. God had hidden knowledge which only He knows and it is not for us to make black and white statements in dealing with these matters for the sake of giving ‘exact answers’ to questions. As to the issue of women, this is a broad topic which is a science in itself within Islam, but my concern is for those writers and scholars who selectively choose references from the Qur’an and Ahadith (either taken out of context or cultural practices subject to change and geography) to justify domestic violence, neglect, sexual abuse, injustice, and preventing education and societal contributions. Unfortunately, these misinterpretations and mispractices by Muslims are being used against Islam as a whole by orientalists and bigoted islamophobes in the media and academe to attack the religion which only contribute to the widespread distortion of information and misunderstanding. This gives them all the more justification to claim the backwardness of Muslims, because the fact is that this kind of backwardness is perpetrated by Muslims themselves. If we are to examine history especially the Golden Age of Islamic Civilization and the basic principles that our religion teaches, this is exactly the opposite. I’m not going to be specific as to the titles of those books/writings, who wrote them, or who those lecturers are, but until this present time, they are regarded as scholars in Islam and are followed by a large number of Muslims.
We are all responsible in safeguarding and defending our religion with tact and knowledge, and we also need to carry out this duty from within, to re-examine these built-in narratives and viewpoints of the ones who are carrying the flagship of Islamic learning through the lens of the universal principles of Islamic Shari’ah: mercy, compassion, justice, wisdom, well-being and welfare of people.
Word of Advice
If you find yourself in the same situation that I have described and feel that your sense of identity is being hijacked, if the goodness in your character and humanity are being obliterated and in turn replaced by bad manners or violent behavior, and you are transformed into an emotionless, cold being who is functioning like it is merely taking and acting orders - take a step back and reflect: is this what Allah, my Compassionate and Loving Creator want me to be? If you feel like your faith is dependent on the level of loyalty to your group affiliation versus other Muslims who happen not to subscribe to your group, and that every word of the revered scholar/s whom you constantly quote is an infallible word of truth, there has to be some critically deep thinking and re-evaluation of faith, of one’s Islam, of one’s relation to Allah swt. Which is stronger, my loyalty to my group and scholar/s, or my relationship and devotion to my Creator? Which is purer: my prayers at midnight when nobody is watching or my activism on the streets and in social media? What are my intentions, what are their means, and what ends do they purport to achieve? If I was accidentally swept to a remote island with no people, will I still be as eager to practice and reflect on my religion as I do today?
It is true that the Prophet, peace be upon him and his Companions - the Salaf As-Salih (Pious Predecessors) including the Prophets, were the ones set by Allah swt as those upon the upright path. Their understanding of Islam is the most pure and they are our role models. But we have to broaden our understanding on this concept and how and what it is meant for us.
We cannot go back in time and live on their era to experience true Islam, because each of us lives in our respective environments which have a lot of influences both Islamic and un-Islamic, we speak different languages, we are raised on our specific cultures and landscapes, we have diverse roles and professions in our society and communities. What is meant by them being our role models? It is not to replicate the landscape or era upon which they lived or the style of their clothing, or what they ate, since these are only external aspects. It is the essential values as a human being that we have to take from their examples: their uprightness of character, their noble conduct, their high morals, their courage to stand for the truth, their despise on worldly success, their respect for the creation of God, their integrity, honesty, self-sacrifice, compassion – in other words, it is the universal principles as a Muslim which they exemplified. It is by exercising these principles that they achieved this high level of nearness to God. It is in turn by emulating these principles that we also aspire to achieve what they had accomplished.
It is equally important to maintain that our faith stresses the basic pillars of religious obligations and articles of creed, Aqeedah, what is permissible and what is not and how one is to conduct oneself in observing these obligations and limits.
But at the end of the day, it is not enough to rely alone to correctness and quoting as many Daleel as possible to justify an action, because a deed may be correct but it still rests upon the mercy of God if it will be accepted or not. As Ibn Ata'illah al-Iskandari said,
Allah may open up for you the gates of obedience, but He may not open up for you the gates of acceptance. He may ordain you a state of disobedience which may happen to lead you to the right path. The disobedience which teaches you humility is better than the piety which vests you with vanity and arrogance.
Abu Hamid al Ghazali, a theologian, in turn also said,
Looking at yourself with an eye of satisfaction is the height of foolishness and the epitome of ignorance.
The sense of certainty that what one does is surely correct and accepted results in having a high opinion of and raising oneself to others. This is contrary to what the Prophet, peace be upon him, taught, that one cannot be saved by virtue of one’s own deeds alone, except by the Mercy of God.
Finding the Road
Sometimes, you find that a road that you take to the objective is a rough road, there is difficulty in that road, then perhaps you can take a different road, with the same objective… the differentiation between means and ends. So sometimes, the means that I am trying to follow in order to reach an objective is blocked or there is a problem in it, or there is difficulty, or it’s not suitable for the place or time, or people that I’m dealing with. And then I take a different means in order to reach the same objective.
The above quote was excerpted from a lecture delivered by Dr. Jasser Auda about Philosophy on Islamic Law, where he discussed very important points on how Islamic law is to be approached and applied in light of the changeable aspects of situations and in people.
It's worth noting that the concept of Shar'iah (which literally means, 'A Path), is widely misunderstood by many people, and many perceive it as a kind of law that implements severe punishments. But if we are to look closely within its proper Islamic context, we will come across a lot of discoveries that dispel the common myth it is associated with. Basically, when we observe the laws of the universe and how it operates, how the body functions from within, how plants grow, how animals interact and behave - this is Shari'ah since they are operating within the law and path that the Creator had ordained for them. If a person takes care of himself, when a Muslim strives to abide by what is permissible and avoid the things which are not allowed for him, while having the firm belief in its wisdom that it is for ones own good - that is Shari'ah. What is being misinterpreted as Shari'ah nowadays is the science of human interpretation and how it is meant to be applied, which is Fiqh (Jurisprudence). It is necessary to know these terms, otherwise, confusion, as what is happening today is inevitable.
In finding the road back to my foundations, perhaps because I walked a difficult road which caused the crisis that is on the process of being resolved. I might take another path, but at the end of the day, the essential principles will remain, and amid the chaos, animosity and sectarianism that is happening, I can still stand firmly and maintain the inner peace within - the true essence of Islam.
- Thinking well of Allah and His wisdom in allowing things to happen.
- Thinking well of Allah when prayers are not answered and when the opposite of what had been prayed for happens.
- Thinking well of Allah on the matters that He decided for me and for others (both in this world and in the Hereafter), the fate of the believing people who suffered injustices, cruelty and loss; and that all that is revealed in His Revelation in the Qur'an is for the good and welfare of the believing people (both women and men).
- That Allah had Hidden Knowledge that only He alone knows, and that what is revealed in the Revelation is sufficient for the people, and that that Hidden Knowledge is something that the believing people should trust with their whole heart and leave to Allah alone.
- That the reward of a person has no bearing or loss for another, rather that reward of a person is separate and distinct and brought by the Grace and Mercy of the Lord for ones sacrifices and faith, not in proportion to seeking the pleasure of any created being, but only with Allah.
- That everything that is endured in this present worldly life will be paid off in the end, in sha Allah.
- That this world is only a test, a passing illusion, not an end within itself, but only a means to return to the Lord and gaze at His Face - the Highest honor one can achieve in the life to come.
- That we are all equally created for the sole purpose of worshipping Allah.
I'm very pleased to finally have my own bookshelf and writing table on my room! It was a dream come true, alhamdulillah, after so many years of waiting, finally, my books and other reading and writing materials no longer need to be filed away inside the two boxes. They arrived yesterday morning, as the sun had risen for a new day.
To be truly honest, most of my personal money if not spent on art instruments, are spent on scourging through books wherever I go, from brand new copies to used ones. But despite of that, I think so many times before availing them, and the reasons why I need to have them. During my teenage years, I was very interested on classical literature (both prose and poetry) and science, and of course taking much consideration on the content and in what way they could help me not only on my perspective and mode of thinking, but also on my approach to life. Being an avid loner who loves to explore and learn a lot about life, I spend most of my days reading books and when I go outside to see the world, I become overwhelmed and awed because I see it always in a brand new light much of what I understand from what I read. Sometimes, I fancy writing down my thoughts as I stare out of the car window whenever I travel, and think how they could in one way or the other, reach out to others who share the same visions or images that are built on my mind. But I have to admit that reading is a double-edged sword which needs a lot of critical thinking and not merely blind acceptance.
The subject and the content of what we read must be fully and carefully chosen, because all forms of writing can have negative or positive effects on a reader, especially on a receptive / fully-open reader. Some contain extremely corrupt and dangerous content that can poison and eventually destroy a person's mind and life. There are some books which contain honeyed words which are extremely pleasing to the reader, but they have an undertow or a hidden meaning which results to corrupting people's thoughts, feelings, ideologies, beliefs, and eventually their entire being. But at the same time, there are also those which aim at improving and helping people better understand so many facets of life and apply those ideals practically in everyday life - and thus serving noble purposes. The written word is thus, like any other instrument endowed and entrusted to a person, needs to be used responsibly - not for the interest of the author or individual per se, but on the meaning and purpose it truly serves.
The shelf and the writing table are set, but I'm still thinking the kind of finishing touches I'll apply on them. Wood varnish or white with pink paint accents? I much prefer a light, pine-colored wood varnish, but white and pink paint is so girly, right? Wood varnish is much more timeless it seems, with an accent I can grow old with (or never)...
The other concern I've been quite fussing about is what to do with the other copies I have, the fiction ones. Back in the day, as what I was talking about a while earlier, I was fond of fiction. But I realized that as I grew older, the content of those fiction left extremely negative effects on me, because they have bad hidden messages: deceit and alien values and practices not suitable to the way of life of Islam. Will I burn them as what I had done to my scratch papers or will they remain for the meantime? How about the newspapers I collected? Sell them away? This is such a dilemma...
One of the beauties of this ephemeral dimension of life is the uncertainty that it affords us: that we have no guarantees of what will happen the next second, the next minute, the next moment, only the limited capacity of our choice and action, only the limited capacity of our perception. It is despite of our limitation, there is still beauty in this nature of uncertainty. Uncertain of what had been pre-decreed (Qadr) for us.
In the end, we have no guarantees and we are uncertain of what will God decide for us: His wrath or His mercy.
I am finding beauty in uncertainty again, and perhaps, a balance with certitude as well.
It might seem to be a kind of ambivalence, but for me, it is an act of balancing.
Usually, I simply consider the first day of a year as just any other normal day, but the last day of the year is what I consider a bit more significant. Significant in a sense that it allows me to review and reflect how the previous year had been spent, and how through the days, I see myself grow into a better person. For sure, it was a year of uncertainties: both an eclectic mix of happy days when I just want to jump up and down out of rejoicing, or sad days when I just want to bury myself deep on the earth.
But no matter how intensely overwhelming or uneventful the days, weeks, months, years that pass by, one thing had proven true - that we learn lessons out of them, we grow because of them, and we become wiser as we progress through the years.
Setting aside our personal self-centeredness of the way we perceive life, of simply seeing things based on our own point of view, the years that pass by are meant to be for one ultimate purpose; the day we will return to our Creator is getting nearer and nearer. What will happen on that day? How much had we prepared for the day when we meet Him? Will his wrath descend on us because we insisted on rebelling on Him, or will His Mercy be greater despite our sins and shortcomings? The more we inspect our intent, the more we look into our actions (both of the heart and the limbs) how our days are spent: are we doing enough and are we living our life accordingly?
The answer of a blogger, teacher and Imam had very well made me think of the concept of the start of a year:
The earth has a giant orbit, while it rotates constantly.
Everyday could be New Years. Any minute. Any second. Days, months, years, these are all constructions based on our assumptions on this earth, that could change should we be in another planet, let alone another spiritual plane, and so what value does this change have to my heart?
I think the concept of New Years illustrates the power of an idea, how it changes our hearts, how it inclines us to act, how it pushes us to want to do better, even for a little.
And so, I take these moments to underline in my mind what true consciousness of God could be if I so willed. What I am capable of should I so desire to let this certain knowledge of God to truly engross my entire heart.
I try to seek closeness to God, so that I may attain His pleasure through awareness of Him.
There is something in me that makes me tied up to events in the past, some kind of predilection of collecting, recording, and re-collecting memories, though in actual reality, I am a very forgetful person.
Once again, I link up a few hours spent last 25th of December, 2012 to what I did last 25th of December this year. I spent both days at the home garden. At first glance, both places (the garden) may look nothing less than ordinary. But with a harder look, one can see beauty even in what others will just pass judgment as being insignificant and not worthy of attention. Even the tiny rocks on a pot can exude a different kind of elegance with their shades of colors and textures. One can find beauty, peace and calm even if being alone with nature. Even in silence, these creations extol praises to the One who created them, no matter how insignificant they appear to others.
The times I feel most alive are when I’m caught up in something that makes me forget myself. Art. Work. Other people. Nature. God.
In a matter of few days, this year's going to an end. Looking past through, I can only recall at how I spent days and months, hours, and did things in-between. Though I can say that I had always hoped to become a better and more mature person, I can see and feel that that hope will continue for a long time.
How did I spent this year? First of all, I am very grateful and indebted to God, and then my parents, and then my siblings, for giving me much and ample time to have time for myself and study Islam. This year was spent much on Islamic studies, and it was due largely to an inner need to develop my faith and strengthen it. Even though I have poor comprehension skills when it comes to reading books, still, the time that I spent with them is priceless and can never be replaced. It is like delving into an ocean where the boundary can not be seen and it surrounds you in all directions. It always has something new to offer, and as I go on with studying, new doors of sacred knowledge never fail to amaze me. A sense of awe and deep reverence surrounds them, and being able to absorb them fully does not only strengthen ones faith, but also gives a fresh and a different perspective on seeing and living through life. Every absorbed passage or tidbit of wisdom can change ones way of seeing and it can alter the way we see the present, the future, and the past.
Alhamdulillah, as a whole, this year had been especially productive for me, as what I had written on my last January 18, 2013,
This will be my first update for this year, and I'm so happy that it started out as good for me, in terms of having a lot of time for study and research... I'd like to focus my efforts for this year in Islamic Studies, God willing and perhaps, that will be a separate thing which I'd like to share with you sometime.
Now, this year is coming to an end, and God willing, I will have to again consider what are my plans for next year. There will be different goals and a different endeavor to be focused on. Although this year was not all bright and beautiful, there had been ups and downs, some realities that had to be dealt with and confronted, but just like any other challenge that I had dealt with,they had been truly faced, dealt with, and solved.
Going through the process of studying Islam, especially doing it alone is very challenging. I don't have a teacher with whom I can ask questions or discuss the topics with, and I relied heavily on how I understand the texts. And then, I decided to listen to lectures and discussions over an invention (I like to call it as a 'menace') called 'Internet' and from there, I came to discover various voices and approaches on dealing with the branches of Islamic knowledge. There were many schools, creeds, groups, and people of various backgrounds and religious interpretations, and it is through these means that I came to appreciate the dynamic aspect of this field of study. There were debates and refutations among people, factors which can never be avoided. Thus, through having wise discernment and objective judgment, one can understand and reconcile the clashes and differences that exist within the verdicts, explanations and interpretations of Islamic knowledge: the Shari'ah (Islamic Law), and Fiqh (Islamic Jurisprudence), and Ta'wil (Interpretation). One very important goal which I haven't achieved is learning Arabic grammar. The texts of the Qur'an and Prophetic Traditions (Hadith) are originally written in Arabic, and thus, to understand the exact and precise content of the basic Islamic books, one has to be familiar with Arabic. But unfortunately, I was not able to study the grammar, and I relied heavily on English.
At this point, I am also trying to understand a topic which is mentioned in the Qur'an and Hadith, but with which I think there is a great deal of debate or controversy regarding it. It has something to do with the topic of women in the Hereafter. This topic had baffled me for weeks now and based from what I had been reading on, and with regards to uses in Arabic wording, this topic needs to be further examined and re-considered by those who interpret and teach the texts and publish them on their writings, or speak of them on their discussions. I have to admit that the topic at hand is sitting on my mind, and many women, in particular, had been trying to understand it, but which I believe is causing them distress. If I can deduce from the evidences mentioned on the Qur'an and Hadith, and then expound it, I am anticipating that it will take on a course which would differ from those who earlier interpreted them. But at this stage, I will not go or expound on that given topic. I believe that God knows what best explains this matter. But if the women concerned will be able to know my initial questions and stance regarding this topic, God willing, it will bring comfort to their hearts and relieve them of the unjust perceptions that they are being subjected with.
God turns me away from what is harmful to me. He takes care of me and shelters me in His grace. He clears away my doubts and confusion when I can no longer understand. He takes me to where I am safe from harm, He gives me refuge in His own protection. He takes away this pain when I can no longer endure. He accompanies me and reminds me that He will always be here and never leave me. In His mercy, He keeps hidden what He has prepared for me and that is what will remain, beyond this world and what is yet to come. Theirs had been shown, but mine is...and will remain hidden. And will always be.
* This piece was written on July 31, 2007, exactly six years ago.
Twelve years ago, I was tiptoeing on a red sand desert, and I can feel my feet slightly sinking beneath the powdery-fine like mass. The heat of the sun was scorching and the sand cools my feet. I thought that in a place like this, no plant can possibly grow. But there were. The air was dry, and even if the heat was scorching you can cover yourself with a blanket and you're guaranteed sweat-free. There is something in this place that makes you look younger and beautiful than what you're supposed to. I guess that was how I see things. I was just around seven or eight years old that time and I was there because my father had been working at Saudi for years and he wanted to bring us there before his resigning to the company he was working with, to make us experience how to live in a wonderful place and practice and live our religion fully.
As I was busy playing with the sands, dune after dune, sinking my feet, lying down and running here and there, I suddenly realized that my ponytail is missing. I was wearing a ponytail and a headband around my head. I felt alarmed at first because I don't like losing my things. I value anything I have. I thought of going around looking for it—but I thought that the place is so vast; the sands can quickly cover anything beneath their surface. And so I left that place leaving a part of me, because I consider that ponytail as a part of me.
As the years passed through, that ponytail-lost-in-the-desert event stayed at the back of my mind. As a psychology student, I consider childhood memories crucial in every individual, and they actually play a big role in shaping who we are at the present. But now, I learned I have to let go of it—that lost part of me, that past I am constantly clinging into.
It is not merely a string tied around my hair, it is not merely a rubber band with fancy designs in it, but it is symbolical of the things both physical and emotional that hinders me to the present. Those memories will always live within, but I learned that I should not center my life around them. They were destined to happen in God's own plan we should dare not question. As our professor told us during one of our classes, every step that we take is connected to our past leading toward the future. Every step we do in the present is crucial for our future.
I finally learned the art of moving on with life. Letting go of my lost ponytail.
