The superstitious know how to reproach people for their vices better than they know how to teach them virtues, and they strive, not to guide men by reason, but to restrain them by fear, so that they flee the evil rather than love virtues. Such people aim only to make others as wretched as they themselves are, so it is no wonder that they are generally burdensome and hateful to men.

- Baruch Spinoza 

Inner World of Truth and Beauty

 Tossing Up the Rainbow Bubbles by Ida Rentoul Outhwaite, CA 1931

These past months since the eve of this year, I found myself in between times that seemed that a lot of things are no longer making sense. And it's not about me anymore or what I actually demand of the world, but how things are happening and what they are supposed to be according to the expectations of the people around me are going through constant contradictions. The disparity becomes overwhelming when the unavoidable and the unexpected happens and one is gripped to hold on even in the presence of helplessness in order to survive. I suspect that this is not limited in today's world, but is always present since human beings had formed the sanctum of inner self-awareness, that there will be many instances in the lifetime of a person that one's foundation of values are not compatible in present reality - and one has to compromise them in order to survive. Most often, the problems that one also encounters in life are not because of own personal follies, but in dealing with other people, and the immense pressure of adjusting to them to the point of sacrificing one's integrity.   

There is this beautiful and timely quote by Marion Woodman, a Jungian analyst, about going through these changes of self and one's own point of views, 

There comes a time in your life when you know that the life you have been living is over and you don't have a clue who you are becoming.

This is apt because these realizations spark the beginning of changes in ones own life and self. They may not at times, seem visible to the senses but they are perceived within ones own mind. In this process is a gradual discarding of ones deeply held beliefs not because one is helplessly adjusting or adapting to the outside world, but because they no longer stand the test of time and are no longer helpful to ones self and well-being. Why am I thinking about this? On the first day of this present month, I was finally able to submit the hardbound copy of my graduate school thesis and at last, earned a long-awaited end of obtaining my diploma after few days of submission. I felt a sigh of relief, of having a dark cloud above my head go away, and felt the burden of waiting removed from my chest and my head.

However, the initial excitement of having finished the degree gradually waned and it was replaced with feelings of betrayal and disappointment. These feelings were due to circumstances that revealed the not-so-good motives of many people whom I trusted, and as a whole in the entire profession itself. This sense of realization for these feelings were what I had, in the recent years before I decided to want to practice my field again lead me to turn to other diversions which, I was fortunate enough to have contributed to my spiritual and intellectual growth.

They are not new to me, and seeing them arise again through people and circumstances is now, eventually leading me to think and move forward to refining my set of values, and to at least harness them in this constant growth process. This reconsideration is not limited to people, but in critiquing what needs to be critiqued, to constantly strive for authenticity, to stand on ones truth, and to never deceive oneself or other people.

Hypocrisy is often a mask that is worn by people to hide their hidden agenda, and it is not advisable nowadays to trust everybody. Caution is the key and it is important to reserve one's attachments to those who, through the test of time had earned one's trust and moral support.

And I think, with these thoughts and musings that I came to realize that to sacrifice one's own truth to accommodate or to fit into the mold of other people's standards or values is not worth it if it costs one's own health and growth and the price is disappointment and betrayal. The essence of ones own boundaries and truth is important in a world that constantly gaslights and manipulates you to follow its whims of who it expects one to be and abandon the spark of the inner world of truth and beauty.

On Genuine Friendship

Looking Back

A few years ago, 2012 to be exact, I remember making a wish-list for myself. The list included the following items: a pair of boots, a digital SLR,  bookshelf, stability and balance, optimism, strength and powerful reasoning, peace, justice, happiness and new love. My list during that time seemed almost impossible, since I could hardly afford any expensive material things including gadgets or heavy pieces of furniture. I was very particular at saving what I have to buy books or necessary stuff that I can use everyday, and those items seemed almost like luxury.

However, unexpected events happened that lead all of those material wishes to eventually find their way to reality, and much more unwritten wishes coming to life. Certainly, there were mishaps and misfortunes, a great deal of frustrations, sorrows and disappointments - but the solace of reading and solitude, persistence in the presence of troubles; and personal detachment - perhaps enabled me to pass through as the years went by.

It is very difficult to pass the years when I don't share most of the values of the people around me. It can be terribly alienating. Very often, I question my individual integrity and happiness, and if it is possible to be at peace within myself if I just follow what is expected of me instead of what I strongly believe in. Even reality presents itself in various ways that sometimes, I doubt if what is being called 'reality' is even reality at all. Time passed by so fast without me noticing it. Sometimes, I get so absorbed in many activities, but at the end of the day when I process what had happened, it just seems that it was just a dream that slowly fades away in memory. Everything, it appears, is just a Distraction: away from the certainty of life, and the fact that it is just a Distraction is a reason that anticipating mishaps or worrying about the future is pointless.

Looking back since six years after I wrote the simple wish-list, I am grateful to have acquired both material items, except for partly some of the intangible items that were included on the list. Maybe, because I think that items such as justice and stability are unattainable. There is no perfect justice in this world, not even stability. Chaos, uncertainty and suffering are everywhere - they exist in the human mind and they are present in the external world. However, it is a necessity to at least lessen suffering even in small individual acts and to re-arrange chaos to a form which, if not pleasant, is at least tolerable to the beholder.

This year, as I reflect for being a year older, I realize that there are values that I held firmly that need to be discarded. Years were spent reflecting on them and it dawned on me that they are no longer necessary in my journey. There are, however, thoughts and beliefs that will stay - but as a whole, I can definitely say that I am no longer the same person when I was younger. I can no longer hold on to many things that weighed me down as a person even if they were present in my darkest years, and they need to be outgrown and kept away neatly at the boxes of memory.

Neither do I have to pretend or to act to be somebody I am definitely not, or to fake a facade or emotions to show to the world - that to me is a betrayal of individual integrity and authenticity. A lot of sufferings in the human condition are caused by people faking their real selves and showing false emotions to manage the impressions that other people may have on them. You do not have to smile if your heart is aching inside. Let your pain and suffering express themselves, but never forget to confide your innermost thoughts and feelings only to the people who value you and can safeguard your humanity and dignity.

For this year, I can definitely say that I am grateful for having accepted and expressed my authenticity to myself and the people in my life. I have distanced and cut myself from anything or anybody who have caused me hurt or betrayed me, I became in tune with my inner self by setting time for self-reflection and by doing what I am passionate about, to have forgiven my mistakes and the past, to constantly make the effort to change what is unpleasant about my actions to other people, to be more self-reliant and kind to people and living things, to never ask for personal validation, and to have nurtured my intellectual life.

Last July to September, I was able to teach at a university - a milestone and a dream come true even for the time being. On August, I was able to present my Masteral Thesis at graduate school, which I had been writing since last year; last week I traveled out of town to visit National Museums at Manila, and this weekend, I traveled with my family to Baguio City. I only produced meager paintings this year, but both were fulfilling because the process reminded me of the joy of seeing colors coming together to form a finished work.

Material-wise, I had a new computer, a new set of books, a new easel, and a new printing machine. Relationships with my family had improved this year, and I had wonderful colleagues during my short stay at the university. What the future is, I do not know. I just hope that I finish my Masteral degree this year so that I can focus on preparing for writing new researches on my field and helping other people, or to continue teaching. I'm reminded of a quote by the author and writer, F. Scott Fitzgerald, because it reflects my mindset this year, that growing older liberates a person from the past because what the future has to offer is a new beginning,

The future is always open for possibilities. Plans are rough estimates of how we envision things or events may happen, but they do not always turn out how we expected them. This openness of the future is what makes life, I think, in-between the certainties of death - its charm and mystery that humanity may never fully fathom or understand.

Lately

It was probably more than a year since I wrote thoughts here, and there were so much things that had happened since then. It was October last year, that I had my first formal job. Things happened by so fast, that after a long day, I had to process everything, but it was often overwhelming. And admittedly, there were so many lessons learned through all those months, and still a lot to learn.

The setup at my work was located at a province some five hours travel by bus. My duty was during weekdays and I had my regular day off during weekends. The place was very far, and in order to get to work everyday, I had to walk kilometers if there was no available transportation. The climate was harsh and the location was located at a military camp. Through barely a year, I braved through walking alone, and to deal with many kinds of people, including a toxic work environment and colleagues, but nonetheless patients with whom I learned a lot from as well. The contrast was that, when colleagues are pulling each other down through intrigues and false stories, I learned to vocalize and educate my patients and in the process learn that in helping others, one can in turn discover that one can also help oneself. It was like theories are unfolding in real life and they no longer were mere ideas or words written on paper. In Filipino, I can say it was an experience of 'tibayan ng loob' or strengthening of ones will. Then, I came to learn how envy, hatred, disrespect, lust for power and toxicity can exist even on whom one cannot suspect people to have. It was when one discovers to how much extent one has to adapt and compromise - without losing oneself and ones sanity in the process. I can only imagine the turmoil I had experienced in order to see I made it through. I thought, now I'm just beginning to see the realities of what I had chosen, and somehow though that what I was willing to share could help improve the system, I was eyed with anger and malice. And then an incident happened that made me suddenly resign and here I am starting again, finding my niche anew. 

It's true that one cannot live entirely deceiving oneself that reality exists the way we see it through rose-tinted spectacles, there's so much out there that could severely test our ideals. No matter how much we might be willing to give, impart, or contribute - the tests can be so devastating that it can make or break our will or even make us feel disillusioned that what we had held so dear might not even be how they really seem. 

But despite it, it will always be a constant journey of learning and self-renewal, of new discoveries. In the process, pain, frustration and disappointments happen, we can see ourselves falling back into occasional experience of despair and rejection which is a time and an opportune to reflect, process, reconsider, plan and make sense out of it all. When it seems to be it like it is the end of it, a time suddenly comes when we also become tired of our own situation, boredom sets in, and then a renewed sense of energy grows within. That's definitely a sign that a new beginning is about to set. One can never get stuck on one place only isn't it? The ups and downs are signs of life, anxiety, worry, fears, and the anticipation of the unknown sets in, who knows it will be the start of something new, a prelude to what we are yearning for even in our unconscious minds.

These are some photos I had been taking these past few days, some little reminders that life can be refreshing and calm, and sweet! By the way, I'm currently on a project, patiently waiting for my thesis proposal schedule, and I hope these coming days I can write a little bit more frequently here!

Love, Maica

(Hover and click each photo for detail)

The shadows cast upon the wall in Plato's myth of the cave are one degree removed from reality. But if we know they are shadows, we are saved from the shackles of dogmatism. And knowing we live in a cave can turn our imaginations loose in new freedom. This confrontation with destiny releases us to experience a sea change in the realm of possibility. We can find new forms, new ways of relating to each other, new styles of life.

- Rollo May, Freedom and Destiny

The crowd, in fact, is composed of individuals; it must therefore be in every man's power to become what he is, an individual. From becoming an individual no one, no one at all, is excluded, except he who excludes himself by becoming a crowd. To become a crowd, to collect a crowd about one, is on the contrary to affirm the distinctions of human life. The most well-meaning person who talks about these distinctions can easily offend an individual. But then it is not the crowd which possesses power, influence, repute, and mastery over men, but it is the invidious distinctions of human life which despotically ignore the single individual as the weak and impotent, which in a temporal and worldly interest ignore the eternal truth- the single individual.

- Søren Kierkegaard

The awareness of the ambiguity of one's highest achievements - as well as one's deepest failures - is a definite symptom of maturity.

- Paul Tillich

...it would be a very naive sort of dogmatism to assume that there exists an absolute reality of things which is the same for all living beings. Reality is not a unique and homogeneous thing; it is immensely diversified, having as many different schemes and patterns as there are different organisms. Every organism is, so to speak, a monadic being. It has a world of its own because it has an experience of its own.

 

- Ernst Cassirer

Reason

I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers which can't be questioned.

- Richard Feynman

On Spiritual Masochism

I would just like to express some thoughts on the matter of developing inner faith, or on making a personal resolve to be a devout believer in God. It is quite a common phenomenon that can be seen or felt, and it seems that having a glimpse of it through another person, one can sense an awe of other-worldliness, selflessness, humility, etc. but taking a closer look and you will see that there are those who profess religiosity but when they voice their beliefs, there is lack of humility or consideration of others' point of view, without allowing for any leeway or flexibility.

One can see this on certain preachers and writers and I'm not going to mention names. They impose self-denial, suppression of thought and expression, bigotry, and unconditional following on their points of view. I even read someone who said that in an ideal Islamic State, there is no room for the arts such as poetry or literature which would comprise as products of 'innovation.' This person even when to the extent of simplistically attacking canons of philosophy as if they are a bunch of morons. He imposes an extreme rigid form of religion by encouraging self-suffering, lack of compassion and love towards others, and then he goes on to say to his followers that God will redeem their suffering. Isn't this a form of double suicide? You go on a hunger strike and refuse to take any food while it's being offered to you and then you tell others that God will redeem you and reward you for your suffering, and that the world is a place of temptation equating it to the concept of woman? That this world is evil and thus it should be condemned as such? And then you see that person airing his own opinions with absolute certainty while condemning other teachers as heretics? No doubt I am slowly realizing that his works though they are widely read are in fact poorly researched, lacking in depth, and just plain simplistic and his imposition on the understanding of religion (Islam) is literal. If one will observe, he does not respect the right of others to express alternatives while staying true to the traditions, and to assert ones identity as an individual. 

One does not need to induce suffering to oneself in order to be a better person, or be near to God. If you are hungry, eat. If you are sick, seek medication. If you feel ugly, beautify yourself. If you are ignorant, seek wisdom. If you are physically weak, develop your health: exercise, breathe fresh air and eat healthy. If your clothes are old and tattered, buy new ones that are comfortable or suit your taste. Desires or the self are not demons. They are facilitators that correspond our needs as human beings. To the extent that they are destructive, reason and general ethics provided by religion are enough for the person to help her decide as to their level of destructiveness. There is no need to conflate desires with the devil unless you are dealing with perversion which is easy to detect. One does not need to compromise ones individuality to be a part of a community or a cause. One does not need to love suffering in order to be near to God. One does not need to shut ones mind and voice and let it depend entirely on a person's dictatorial point of view, whether he is a scholar or not. And I am not going to quote any verse or narration just to prove that what I am saying is 'true'. The reader has a mind of her own to find them or realize them herself.

Meaningful Questions

Beauty of Life

But love towards a thing eternal and infinite feeds the mind with joy alone, unmixed with any sadness.

- Spinoza, Treatise on the Emendation of Intellect

What unhappy beings men are! They constantly waver between false hopes and silly fears, and instead of relying on reason they create monsters to frighten themselves with, and phantoms which lead them astray.

- Montesquieu

Nowadays, the means of making an impression on society on a grand scale are particularly powerful. If one doesn't put questions to oneself and treat things critically, then that is because one has become corrupted by this sophistry (public opinion) which surrounds one on all sides. Something else that stops one is persecution.

- Simone Weil, Lectures on Philosophy

Fallibility

In a work of art, chaos must shimmer through the veil of order.

- Novalis

Social acceptance, "being liked," has so much power because it holds the feelings of loneliness at bay. A person is surrounded with comfortable warmth; he is merged in the group... He temporarily loses his loneliness; but it is at the price of giving up his existence as an identity in his own right.

- Rollo May, Man's Search for Himself