It was probably more than a year since I wrote thoughts here, and there were so much things that had happened since then. It was October last year, that I had my first formal job. Things happened by so fast, that after a long day, I had to process everything, but it was often overwhelming. And admittedly, there were so many lessons learned through all those months, and still a lot to learn.
The setup at my work was located at a province some five hours travel by bus. My duty was during weekdays and I had my regular day off during weekends. The place was very far, and in order to get to work everyday, I had to walk kilometers if there was no available transportation. The climate was harsh and the location was located at a military camp. Through barely a year, I braved through walking alone, and to deal with many kinds of people, including a toxic work environment and colleagues, but nonetheless patients with whom I learned a lot from as well. The contrast was that, when colleagues are pulling each other down through intrigues and false stories, I learned to vocalize and educate my patients and in the process learn that in helping others, one can in turn discover that one can also help oneself. It was like theories are unfolding in real life and they no longer were mere ideas or words written on paper. In Filipino, I can say it was an experience of 'tibayan ng loob' or strengthening of ones will. Then, I came to learn how envy, hatred, disrespect, lust for power and toxicity can exist even on whom one cannot suspect people to have. It was when one discovers to how much extent one has to adapt and compromise - without losing oneself and ones sanity in the process. I can only imagine the turmoil I had experienced in order to see I made it through. I thought, now I'm just beginning to see the realities of what I had chosen, and somehow though that what I was willing to share could help improve the system, I was eyed with anger and malice. And then an incident happened that made me suddenly resign and here I am starting again, finding my niche anew.
It's true that one cannot live entirely deceiving oneself that reality exists the way we see it through rose-tinted spectacles, there's so much out there that could severely test our ideals. No matter how much we might be willing to give, impart, or contribute - the tests can be so devastating that it can make or break our will or even make us feel disillusioned that what we had held so dear might not even be how they really seem.
But despite it, it will always be a constant journey of learning and self-renewal, of new discoveries. In the process, pain, frustration and disappointments happen, we can see ourselves falling back into occasional experience of despair and rejection which is a time and an opportune to reflect, process, reconsider, plan and make sense out of it all. When it seems to be it like it is the end of it, a time suddenly comes when we also become tired of our own situation, boredom sets in, and then a renewed sense of energy grows within. That's definitely a sign that a new beginning is about to set. One can never get stuck on one place only isn't it? The ups and downs are signs of life, anxiety, worry, fears, and the anticipation of the unknown sets in, who knows it will be the start of something new, a prelude to what we are yearning for even in our unconscious minds.
These are some photos I had been taking these past few days, some little reminders that life can be refreshing and calm, and sweet! By the way, I'm currently on a project, patiently waiting for my thesis proposal schedule, and I hope these coming days I can write a little bit more frequently here!
Love, Maica
(Hover and click each photo for detail)
