Inner World of Truth and Beauty

 Tossing Up the Rainbow Bubbles by Ida Rentoul Outhwaite, CA 1931

These past months since the eve of this year, I found myself in between times that seemed that a lot of things are no longer making sense. And it's not about me anymore or what I actually demand of the world, but how things are happening and what they are supposed to be according to the expectations of the people around me are going through constant contradictions. The disparity becomes overwhelming when the unavoidable and the unexpected happens and one is gripped to hold on even in the presence of helplessness in order to survive. I suspect that this is not limited in today's world, but is always present since human beings had formed the sanctum of inner self-awareness, that there will be many instances in the lifetime of a person that one's foundation of values are not compatible in present reality - and one has to compromise them in order to survive. Most often, the problems that one also encounters in life are not because of own personal follies, but in dealing with other people, and the immense pressure of adjusting to them to the point of sacrificing one's integrity.   

There is this beautiful and timely quote by Marion Woodman, a Jungian analyst, about going through these changes of self and one's own point of views, 

There comes a time in your life when you know that the life you have been living is over and you don't have a clue who you are becoming.

This is apt because these realizations spark the beginning of changes in ones own life and self. They may not at times, seem visible to the senses but they are perceived within ones own mind. In this process is a gradual discarding of ones deeply held beliefs not because one is helplessly adjusting or adapting to the outside world, but because they no longer stand the test of time and are no longer helpful to ones self and well-being. Why am I thinking about this? On the first day of this present month, I was finally able to submit the hardbound copy of my graduate school thesis and at last, earned a long-awaited end of obtaining my diploma after few days of submission. I felt a sigh of relief, of having a dark cloud above my head go away, and felt the burden of waiting removed from my chest and my head.

However, the initial excitement of having finished the degree gradually waned and it was replaced with feelings of betrayal and disappointment. These feelings were due to circumstances that revealed the not-so-good motives of many people whom I trusted, and as a whole in the entire profession itself. This sense of realization for these feelings were what I had, in the recent years before I decided to want to practice my field again lead me to turn to other diversions which, I was fortunate enough to have contributed to my spiritual and intellectual growth.

They are not new to me, and seeing them arise again through people and circumstances is now, eventually leading me to think and move forward to refining my set of values, and to at least harness them in this constant growth process. This reconsideration is not limited to people, but in critiquing what needs to be critiqued, to constantly strive for authenticity, to stand on ones truth, and to never deceive oneself or other people.

Hypocrisy is often a mask that is worn by people to hide their hidden agenda, and it is not advisable nowadays to trust everybody. Caution is the key and it is important to reserve one's attachments to those who, through the test of time had earned one's trust and moral support.

And I think, with these thoughts and musings that I came to realize that to sacrifice one's own truth to accommodate or to fit into the mold of other people's standards or values is not worth it if it costs one's own health and growth and the price is disappointment and betrayal. The essence of ones own boundaries and truth is important in a world that constantly gaslights and manipulates you to follow its whims of who it expects one to be and abandon the spark of the inner world of truth and beauty.