01 March 2012

Perspective Changing

Memories.  Looking back at them, nostalgia brings a feeling fondness and warmth. Memories teach me a lot of lessons about life, to chart my own progress, and to find solutions to some present things that I have to solve. Mistakes in the past and how I corrected them so that I won't make them again today makes me look back at the past so that I'm prepared as to what I'm going to anticipate. I also see the past as not entirely separated from the present, that there's a pattern of continuity to both, and even to the future. That was how I used to think. As the years went by, growing up, my mode of viewing events and memories was as constant as how I could remember. How I perceived events, things, people, were like a one-track way of seeing, though as I go along the way of discoveries, adventures, reading, writing, making art, interacting with people, strengthening my faith and reflecting about life, the more I realize that I cannot entirely forget memories and discard them - they still have an effect with how my life is in  the present. Within my own silent world devoid of things and people artificial, I am constantly learning more and more of seeing through a clearer lens which may seem vague to others who don't understand. There are many events which happen that I don't understand - and it takes time, a long time before I truly comprehend. My understanding is very limited, and when it is fully formed, it grows firmly rooted in my mind.

Rewinding events until I arrive to the present, I realize that I'm getting older. Not 'older' in the sense of aging, but 'older' in the sense of having to mature, of having to change my perspectives. I realized that over-thinking about the past is only a facade. The real reason behind which is my ideal of resistance to change - of being constant. The past, the present, the future - TIME - they are connected, but I have to accept that they are not the same. Time changes, and everything changes. Even my perception is getting more and more vague because I am making a huge effort of seeing the events in my life as 'constant'. I resist change, and I have to know why. Maybe I need to make a complete closure before letting memories go, that I don't want to take risks, that I fear that I might not be able to adapt to change. But here I am, sometimes, it's like I am looking at life with a pair of tunnel-vision glasses. The truth will tell me that what I'm seeing is actually a 'distorted image'. It may take some time, but now that I am in this stage of my life, that I have to adapt and accept change.

Memories. I might put them neatly in the past - to look back at them occasionally - but I have to check if they prevent me from becoming what I truly should become. There are things that remain constant, there are events quite difficult to understand, there are questions which are not answered. To learn to trust and have more faith as to where God will lead me in life brings me peace of mind. And if I cannot understand, I will surrender it to Him alone. In due time, inshaAllah, He will make me understand. I've seen it and felt it  before: that letting go of old thinking is like making a brand new start. It's very refreshing of being stripped away of old, old constricted thinking, it's like being freed of a heavy burden weighing on my shoulders. Old thinking is becoming obsolete and not suited to the present. It is good to consider change -  a better change and a clearer perspective.