An Afternoon Tea

Sea, Saltwater, Land & Air

Looking Back

A few years ago, 2012 to be exact, I remember making a wish-list for myself. The list included the following items: a pair of boots, a digital SLR,  bookshelf, stability and balance, optimism, strength and powerful reasoning, peace, justice, happiness and new love. My list during that time seemed almost impossible, since I could hardly afford any expensive material things including gadgets or heavy pieces of furniture. I was very particular at saving what I have to buy books or necessary stuff that I can use everyday, and those items seemed almost like luxury.

However, unexpected events happened that lead all of those material wishes to eventually find their way to reality, and much more unwritten wishes coming to life. Certainly, there were mishaps and misfortunes, a great deal of frustrations, sorrows and disappointments - but the solace of reading and solitude, persistence in the presence of troubles; and personal detachment - perhaps enabled me to pass through as the years went by.

It is very difficult to pass the years when I don't share most of the values of the people around me. It can be terribly alienating. Very often, I question my individual integrity and happiness, and if it is possible to be at peace within myself if I just follow what is expected of me instead of what I strongly believe in. Even reality presents itself in various ways that sometimes, I doubt if what is being called 'reality' is even reality at all. Time passed by so fast without me noticing it. Sometimes, I get so absorbed in many activities, but at the end of the day when I process what had happened, it just seems that it was just a dream that slowly fades away in memory. Everything, it appears, is just a Distraction: away from the certainty of life, and the fact that it is just a Distraction is a reason that anticipating mishaps or worrying about the future is pointless.

Looking back since six years after I wrote the simple wish-list, I am grateful to have acquired both material items, except for partly some of the intangible items that were included on the list. Maybe, because I think that items such as justice and stability are unattainable. There is no perfect justice in this world, not even stability. Chaos, uncertainty and suffering are everywhere - they exist in the human mind and they are present in the external world. However, it is a necessity to at least lessen suffering even in small individual acts and to re-arrange chaos to a form which, if not pleasant, is at least tolerable to the beholder.

This year, as I reflect for being a year older, I realize that there are values that I held firmly that need to be discarded. Years were spent reflecting on them and it dawned on me that they are no longer necessary in my journey. There are, however, thoughts and beliefs that will stay - but as a whole, I can definitely say that I am no longer the same person when I was younger. I can no longer hold on to many things that weighed me down as a person even if they were present in my darkest years, and they need to be outgrown and kept away neatly at the boxes of memory.

Neither do I have to pretend or to act to be somebody I am definitely not, or to fake a facade or emotions to show to the world - that to me is a betrayal of individual integrity and authenticity. A lot of sufferings in the human condition are caused by people faking their real selves and showing false emotions to manage the impressions that other people may have on them. You do not have to smile if your heart is aching inside. Let your pain and suffering express themselves, but never forget to confide your innermost thoughts and feelings only to the people who value you and can safeguard your humanity and dignity.

For this year, I can definitely say that I am grateful for having accepted and expressed my authenticity to myself and the people in my life. I have distanced and cut myself from anything or anybody who have caused me hurt or betrayed me, I became in tune with my inner self by setting time for self-reflection and by doing what I am passionate about, to have forgiven my mistakes and the past, to constantly make the effort to change what is unpleasant about my actions to other people, to be more self-reliant and kind to people and living things, to never ask for personal validation, and to have nurtured my intellectual life.

Last July to September, I was able to teach at a university - a milestone and a dream come true even for the time being. On August, I was able to present my Masteral Thesis at graduate school, which I had been writing since last year; last week I traveled out of town to visit National Museums at Manila, and this weekend, I traveled with my family to Baguio City. I only produced meager paintings this year, but both were fulfilling because the process reminded me of the joy of seeing colors coming together to form a finished work.

Material-wise, I had a new computer, a new set of books, a new easel, and a new printing machine. Relationships with my family had improved this year, and I had wonderful colleagues during my short stay at the university. What the future is, I do not know. I just hope that I finish my Masteral degree this year so that I can focus on preparing for writing new researches on my field and helping other people, or to continue teaching. I'm reminded of a quote by the author and writer, F. Scott Fitzgerald, because it reflects my mindset this year, that growing older liberates a person from the past because what the future has to offer is a new beginning,

The future is always open for possibilities. Plans are rough estimates of how we envision things or events may happen, but they do not always turn out how we expected them. This openness of the future is what makes life, I think, in-between the certainties of death - its charm and mystery that humanity may never fully fathom or understand.