2011: Looking Back

This was a totally eventful year. It was a year of a lot of going through, of tears and laughs as well, of diving deep into discovering new strengths, of finding roots.

It was a year of growing, of discovery, of going to places and seeing the world, of taking trips to memory lanes, and of learning to leave behind, accept, and move forward.

 So much for this year. Goodbye!

The Ending of a Chapter

There are so many things in our lives which we never expect will happen. No matter how we plan and work towards our goals and dreams, most of the time, twists of fate happen and we suddenly find ourselves in places we never thought we will be carried into— where we go will always be directed by a Higher Power Who guides us— sometimes in ways we could never comprehend or understand, despite of the wisdom we believe we already have. And no matter how hard it is to understand, life will hold meaning to us— and we have to go through, and to learn from it— and eventually to accept that ‘reality’ may not always be in terms with our dreams, with our aspirations— with the way we see the world.

How I went through this year, I could hardly understand. It was indeed, the most difficult transition in my life that I had to endure— it was between hope and death— between utter darkness and acceptance, of the need to overlook ones pain in order to move forward with life. And I learned to understand and accept that there must be questions that should be left unanswered and that life does not depend on hoping to get everything clarified. To understand the unknown, to accept though with a heavy heart until in the face of of all the doubt and uncertainty— life will always hold its own mysteries and it will not tell us everything that we want to know— it will always keep its own secrets. Behind the façade that we see in it everyday— I learned to not simply believe its false appearances— that what is seen from the outside may even be meant to deceive and to take away hopes and leave nothing but pain, brokenness, and grief. There are memories which should be better left as they are, there are memories which deserve to be forgotten and completely erased, and there are memories to be learned from, and most of all, there are memories which are cherished and looked back into with happiness and longing.

I went through this year when I believed that all my hopes were taken away from me, when the future looked so dark, that I could see nothing of its promises kept. It was beyond words. The pain can never be described by words. Passing through it was like being grant a second chance of life. It had taught me to redefine the way I see life in general, my hopes, my dreams, and my faith. In this journey, I slowly learned to see my place in the world— that even my own way of seeing becomes so utterly disillusioned— distorting my own reasoning and comprehending of what is truly happening. Perhaps, I truly believed it was ‘love’ and it was how I expected— but to the contrary, it was not. Love has another meaning, and sadly, my way of believing on it was wrong. And the more I believed in it, the more I expected out of it—but everything was thrown back to me— the pain and grief was almost more than I could endure. It destroyed what I believe in— and I could not understand that in my own silent world, why it would happen. I suddenly questioned the sense of values which I uphold as a person— if love, kindness, justice, and truth even exist, because in return, I was thrown with lies, deceit, suspicion, hatred, anger, and revenge. I wanted revenge. I needed to protect myself against the injustices which were inflicted against me— when all the while, I am living in a world of silence, not wanting to hurt anyone. I cannot believe that I will ever be subjected in this form of treachery, deceit, and hypocrisy. Every fiber of my being began to question the validity of beliefs and values which I uphold. And this journey was long, tedious, it was odd— and I could hardly imagine how to pass through— as each step proved to be very difficult to take. It was like riding through a roller-coaster— there were times when I am losing hope, there were times when I want to run and escape, there were times when I don’t want to move, there were times when I no longer felt any concern to anyone, there were times when I thought that it was over but eventually to realize that it’s haunting me again, there were times when hope was beginning to reach its rays on me, and there were times that a sense of being renewed dawns on me. And now, I’m deciding to close that painful chapter in my life and to forget it. To move forward and start making new memories to someday look back and cherish with a heart filled with happiness.

One of the most important things in life is not how fast you do things and run after time, how much you accomplish, or how many material things you want to hoard—rather, it is in acceptance, in submission to God’s will. Destiny may oftentimes be very hard to understand because we believe that as long as we work towards goals with passion, hard-work and perseverance, we will achieve them— and it becomes truly painful when our hopes are shattered when they will never come true. This is where trust in God’s power to guide our life paths is important. And it is better to leave things just the way they were meant to be, because our understanding is very limited. God, in His Infinite knowledge will encompass everything— and that is even beyond our own capacity to work with our hands and to comprehend with our minds. There is always goodness in everything that God willed to happen in our lives and we may not be able to see it at first, but through faith and patience, God will let us see it— in proper time.

These are lessons and trials which I passed through, praise be to Allah—He made me open my eyes and my mind so that I can see and go beyond my own world in order to understand that this world is not always based on how I see it through my rose-colored glasses. Injustice, lies, treachery, suffering, pain, and grief exist in this world of trials. Those who are successful are those who believe and uphold their faith no matter what life throw on them.

I am starting and beginning again, to dream and to work towards my goals, to be happy and to once again see the beauty of the world, to savor life even if it is bittersweet. If God will allow me to, I will take focus on my goals to become a doctor. But in this ending, I start again and continue, to write, to paint, to read, to see flowers, to go and see places, to take adventures, to love, to be with my parents and siblings, to expand my horizons, to serve others, to increase my love of learning, and to strengthen my faith.

Life goes on. The world continues its own course and so does the rest of the universe. It does not stop when tears begin to fall. It continues, it goes on… A chapter must end. A new chapter must begin.

Travel to Baguio City (Part 1)

A visit on the Rose Garden high up on the mountains...

Fields of Strawberries and Salad, and pots of Flowers...

The photos were taken using my cellphone and a Kodak C300 digital camera.

50th Update

Cute Baby Rabbits visited me :) oooh they're so cute, fluffy, soft and very gentle.

48th Update

Yesterday, I started my new work at the Islamic Library and Information Office as my father's assistant. My work here consists primarily of library work and preparing student correspondence lessons about Islam, and plan future office activities. I am still engaged in our auto shop, but as of now, I have to take focus on the many tasks that await me here in the library. There are many books and magazines waiting to be dusted and arranged, and pamphlets, waiting to be re-stocked on boxes.

47th Update

A lot of things had been troubling my mind for the past few days, and I had been reflecting on some priorities and decisions to be made. I got an extremely low grade on my recent exams, though disappointing, I felt not totally saddened by it. I was anticipating this long beforehand as I didn’t totally focused on reviewing for the major subjects. It was a kick in the teeth, or perhaps, a sign for me to reconsider my plans or start evaluating what priorities must be given the foremost attention. Probably, my grade would still be within the cut-off for AUF requirements, and in case it wouldn’t qualify, there are two options: either an exam retake or a decision shift. This would call for a thorough weighing of situations, in order to take a path that leads to a proper direction.

My life and my time are passing me by and still, here I am, unable to move, or perhaps, I really don’t want to move. There are barriers and obstacles, of course, but I understand that these things are becoming excuses to not move forward, to simply stick to what is familiar, and to let myself be controlled by them because I believe that I’m trying to avoid responsibility. But time passes by so quickly. I cannot sit here waiting all day, dreaming, hoping, and getting frustrated, blaming myself, blaming others, why my goals are not met or being put into action. My life has to go somewhere because a heavy responsibility lies on my shoulders because Allah entrusted me with this knowledge and learning which must be utilized for the service of Islam. I wish to live in a productive manner and to contribute to society, and I am afraid that as time passes by, I might forget what I have learned, I might forget that I have a responsibility to undertake, and that my life would be lived in an aimless and a useless manner. I want to become a doctor, because of many reasons. I hope that Allah will guide me as to where my life is heading to, how I will live it according to the purpose He created me, and to be of service to humanity.

46th Update

Today is the day of my exams. I am taking the National Medical Admissions Test at University of Sto. Tomas, Manila. The NMAT is one of the first steps towards entering my new journey— to become a doctor, inshaAllah.

I woke up at 1:20 am and hurriedly sharpened my pencils and arranged my papers and reviewers on my file folder. I prepared my clothes and read some books before taking a bath. My parents, siblings, and me prepared our snacks the night before. My parents rented a car, and around 4:20 am, we headed off to UST. It was a chilly morning and I’m quite hungry but had the least appetite. I had a cup of coffee and some sandwiches for breakfast, and while on travel, I dozed off asleep, but I managed to offer the Fajr Prayer. We arrived at UST before 6:00am and it was still dark, and there were a very handful of examinees that already arrived. We didn’t recognize the Albertus Magnus building at first, and we had to go back to the entrance until we found the location of the building. The name lists of examinees were posted on front of the building’s entrance, and my father saw my name, including my number and room assignment. We waited for about an hour as we observed the other examinees arrived bit by bit. Some of them arrived together with their parents and siblings, while some arrived alone, and others with their schoolmates. 

Around 7:00am, the examinees formed a line at the entrance of the building, and after a few minutes, we went to our respective exam room assignments. It was after 8:00am when the proctor finally arrived. After distributing the answer sheets and the test booklets, I proceeded to answer the first part, the Verbal portion. I was very anxious and worried that I might be totally blank, but happily, I finished the Verbal portion ahead of time, after which I answered and finished the Inductive Reasoning portion ahead of time, but I wasn’t very confident of my answers, especially on the number and letter series. The Quantitative portion totally contorted my mind because there were a lot of solving on percentages, number sentences, and algebraic expressions, but thankfully, I finished this portion just in time. The final portion for the morning set is the Perceptual Acuity which included a series of patterns, which is to identify the correct mirror image of the given image per item, and the rest included a series of book titles and addresses and to identify the correct wordings and punctuations among the rest of the choices— I chose to answer this part first and then I proceeded to answer the mirror images. When the proctor announced the final remaining minutes of the test, I was also on my way on answering the final items, and thankfully, I finished it just in time. I even managed to double check some of my answers on the previous portions.

My neck was aching by lunch time and my palms were sweaty. I had my bottled juice and sandwich for lunch and I ate while standing, waiting outside the room. I also offered my Dhuhr Prayer standing, as there was not a convenient place where I could pray. The afternoon set of the exams started at 12:50 pm, and by the start of the test, I was beginning to feel dizzy and I wanted to just go on and finish it as soon as possible. It was difficult working while being on two conflicting forces—I was extremely dizzy, my neck was aching, and at the same time, I had to be totally focused on answering the items. For Biology, there were easy and extremely difficult items, and afterwards, Physics and Chemistry were both extremely difficult, and I must say that I just guessed most of my answers. Even though I felt a bit at ease for the Social Sciences portion, I also guessed some of the items. Thankfully, despite of my uneasy situation, I managed to finish the afternoon set ahead of time, and I spent the few minutes in stretching my neck and resting my head, and relaxing a bit.

Finally, I went through NMAT and I finished it! I’ll be waiting for the results next year. Allah knows that I gave my best and I am hoping for the best—to have high scores to enroll for Medical School next year, inshaAllah.

45th Update

God, please help me in this endeavor, guide me, and grant me strength.

44th Update

Today, I went to my school library so I can have the last rounds of review. I picked up a book on physics and it really drove me nuts just flipping through its pages. Honestly, I just read some of the book articles, but with regards to the basic formulas, constants and computations ― I have no idea on how to handle them. The review is really very difficult in Physics, and what more of Chemistry and Algebra? I can't possibly have all of them within the next two days of review...