2011: Looking Back

This was a totally eventful year. It was a year of a lot of going through, of tears and laughs as well, of diving deep into discovering new strengths, of finding roots.

It was a year of growing, of discovery, of going to places and seeing the world, of taking trips to memory lanes, and of learning to leave behind, accept, and move forward.

 So much for this year. Goodbye!

The Ending of a Chapter

There are so many things in our lives which we never expect will happen. No matter how we plan and work towards our goals and dreams, most of the time, twists of fate happen and we suddenly find ourselves in places we never thought we will be carried into— where we go will always be directed by a Higher Power Who guides us— sometimes in ways we could never comprehend or understand, despite of the wisdom we believe we already have. And no matter how hard it is to understand, life will hold meaning to us— and we have to go through, and to learn from it— and eventually to accept that ‘reality’ may not always be in terms with our dreams, with our aspirations— with the way we see the world.

How I went through this year, I could hardly understand. It was indeed, the most difficult transition in my life that I had to endure— it was between hope and death— between utter darkness and acceptance, of the need to overlook ones pain in order to move forward with life. And I learned to understand and accept that there must be questions that should be left unanswered and that life does not depend on hoping to get everything clarified. To understand the unknown, to accept though with a heavy heart until in the face of of all the doubt and uncertainty— life will always hold its own mysteries and it will not tell us everything that we want to know— it will always keep its own secrets. Behind the façade that we see in it everyday— I learned to not simply believe its false appearances— that what is seen from the outside may even be meant to deceive and to take away hopes and leave nothing but pain, brokenness, and grief. There are memories which should be better left as they are, there are memories which deserve to be forgotten and completely erased, and there are memories to be learned from, and most of all, there are memories which are cherished and looked back into with happiness and longing.

I went through this year when I believed that all my hopes were taken away from me, when the future looked so dark, that I could see nothing of its promises kept. It was beyond words. The pain can never be described by words. Passing through it was like being grant a second chance of life. It had taught me to redefine the way I see life in general, my hopes, my dreams, and my faith. In this journey, I slowly learned to see my place in the world— that even my own way of seeing becomes so utterly disillusioned— distorting my own reasoning and comprehending of what is truly happening. Perhaps, I truly believed it was ‘love’ and it was how I expected— but to the contrary, it was not. Love has another meaning, and sadly, my way of believing on it was wrong. And the more I believed in it, the more I expected out of it—but everything was thrown back to me— the pain and grief was almost more than I could endure. It destroyed what I believe in— and I could not understand that in my own silent world, why it would happen. I suddenly questioned the sense of values which I uphold as a person— if love, kindness, justice, and truth even exist, because in return, I was thrown with lies, deceit, suspicion, hatred, anger, and revenge. I wanted revenge. I needed to protect myself against the injustices which were inflicted against me— when all the while, I am living in a world of silence, not wanting to hurt anyone. I cannot believe that I will ever be subjected in this form of treachery, deceit, and hypocrisy. Every fiber of my being began to question the validity of beliefs and values which I uphold. And this journey was long, tedious, it was odd— and I could hardly imagine how to pass through— as each step proved to be very difficult to take. It was like riding through a roller-coaster— there were times when I am losing hope, there were times when I want to run and escape, there were times when I don’t want to move, there were times when I no longer felt any concern to anyone, there were times when I thought that it was over but eventually to realize that it’s haunting me again, there were times when hope was beginning to reach its rays on me, and there were times that a sense of being renewed dawns on me. And now, I’m deciding to close that painful chapter in my life and to forget it. To move forward and start making new memories to someday look back and cherish with a heart filled with happiness.

One of the most important things in life is not how fast you do things and run after time, how much you accomplish, or how many material things you want to hoard—rather, it is in acceptance, in submission to God’s will. Destiny may oftentimes be very hard to understand because we believe that as long as we work towards goals with passion, hard-work and perseverance, we will achieve them— and it becomes truly painful when our hopes are shattered when they will never come true. This is where trust in God’s power to guide our life paths is important. And it is better to leave things just the way they were meant to be, because our understanding is very limited. God, in His Infinite knowledge will encompass everything— and that is even beyond our own capacity to work with our hands and to comprehend with our minds. There is always goodness in everything that God willed to happen in our lives and we may not be able to see it at first, but through faith and patience, God will let us see it— in proper time.

These are lessons and trials which I passed through, praise be to Allah—He made me open my eyes and my mind so that I can see and go beyond my own world in order to understand that this world is not always based on how I see it through my rose-colored glasses. Injustice, lies, treachery, suffering, pain, and grief exist in this world of trials. Those who are successful are those who believe and uphold their faith no matter what life throw on them.

I am starting and beginning again, to dream and to work towards my goals, to be happy and to once again see the beauty of the world, to savor life even if it is bittersweet. If God will allow me to, I will take focus on my goals to become a doctor. But in this ending, I start again and continue, to write, to paint, to read, to see flowers, to go and see places, to take adventures, to love, to be with my parents and siblings, to expand my horizons, to serve others, to increase my love of learning, and to strengthen my faith.

Life goes on. The world continues its own course and so does the rest of the universe. It does not stop when tears begin to fall. It continues, it goes on… A chapter must end. A new chapter must begin.

Travel to Baguio City (Part 1)

A visit on the Rose Garden high up on the mountains...

Fields of Strawberries and Salad, and pots of Flowers...

The photos were taken using my cellphone and a Kodak C300 digital camera.

50th Update

Cute Baby Rabbits visited me :) oooh they're so cute, fluffy, soft and very gentle.

48th Update

Yesterday, I started my new work at the Islamic Library and Information Office as my father's assistant. My work here consists primarily of library work and preparing student correspondence lessons about Islam, and plan future office activities. I am still engaged in our auto shop, but as of now, I have to take focus on the many tasks that await me here in the library. There are many books and magazines waiting to be dusted and arranged, and pamphlets, waiting to be re-stocked on boxes.

47th Update

A lot of things had been troubling my mind for the past few days, and I had been reflecting on some priorities and decisions to be made. I got an extremely low grade on my recent exams, though disappointing, I felt not totally saddened by it. I was anticipating this long beforehand as I didn’t totally focused on reviewing for the major subjects. It was a kick in the teeth, or perhaps, a sign for me to reconsider my plans or start evaluating what priorities must be given the foremost attention. Probably, my grade would still be within the cut-off for AUF requirements, and in case it wouldn’t qualify, there are two options: either an exam retake or a decision shift. This would call for a thorough weighing of situations, in order to take a path that leads to a proper direction.

My life and my time are passing me by and still, here I am, unable to move, or perhaps, I really don’t want to move. There are barriers and obstacles, of course, but I understand that these things are becoming excuses to not move forward, to simply stick to what is familiar, and to let myself be controlled by them because I believe that I’m trying to avoid responsibility. But time passes by so quickly. I cannot sit here waiting all day, dreaming, hoping, and getting frustrated, blaming myself, blaming others, why my goals are not met or being put into action. My life has to go somewhere because a heavy responsibility lies on my shoulders because Allah entrusted me with this knowledge and learning which must be utilized for the service of Islam. I wish to live in a productive manner and to contribute to society, and I am afraid that as time passes by, I might forget what I have learned, I might forget that I have a responsibility to undertake, and that my life would be lived in an aimless and a useless manner. I want to become a doctor, because of many reasons. I hope that Allah will guide me as to where my life is heading to, how I will live it according to the purpose He created me, and to be of service to humanity.

46th Update

Today is the day of my exams. I am taking the National Medical Admissions Test at University of Sto. Tomas, Manila. The NMAT is one of the first steps towards entering my new journey— to become a doctor, inshaAllah.

I woke up at 1:20 am and hurriedly sharpened my pencils and arranged my papers and reviewers on my file folder. I prepared my clothes and read some books before taking a bath. My parents, siblings, and me prepared our snacks the night before. My parents rented a car, and around 4:20 am, we headed off to UST. It was a chilly morning and I’m quite hungry but had the least appetite. I had a cup of coffee and some sandwiches for breakfast, and while on travel, I dozed off asleep, but I managed to offer the Fajr Prayer. We arrived at UST before 6:00am and it was still dark, and there were a very handful of examinees that already arrived. We didn’t recognize the Albertus Magnus building at first, and we had to go back to the entrance until we found the location of the building. The name lists of examinees were posted on front of the building’s entrance, and my father saw my name, including my number and room assignment. We waited for about an hour as we observed the other examinees arrived bit by bit. Some of them arrived together with their parents and siblings, while some arrived alone, and others with their schoolmates. 

Around 7:00am, the examinees formed a line at the entrance of the building, and after a few minutes, we went to our respective exam room assignments. It was after 8:00am when the proctor finally arrived. After distributing the answer sheets and the test booklets, I proceeded to answer the first part, the Verbal portion. I was very anxious and worried that I might be totally blank, but happily, I finished the Verbal portion ahead of time, after which I answered and finished the Inductive Reasoning portion ahead of time, but I wasn’t very confident of my answers, especially on the number and letter series. The Quantitative portion totally contorted my mind because there were a lot of solving on percentages, number sentences, and algebraic expressions, but thankfully, I finished this portion just in time. The final portion for the morning set is the Perceptual Acuity which included a series of patterns, which is to identify the correct mirror image of the given image per item, and the rest included a series of book titles and addresses and to identify the correct wordings and punctuations among the rest of the choices— I chose to answer this part first and then I proceeded to answer the mirror images. When the proctor announced the final remaining minutes of the test, I was also on my way on answering the final items, and thankfully, I finished it just in time. I even managed to double check some of my answers on the previous portions.

My neck was aching by lunch time and my palms were sweaty. I had my bottled juice and sandwich for lunch and I ate while standing, waiting outside the room. I also offered my Dhuhr Prayer standing, as there was not a convenient place where I could pray. The afternoon set of the exams started at 12:50 pm, and by the start of the test, I was beginning to feel dizzy and I wanted to just go on and finish it as soon as possible. It was difficult working while being on two conflicting forces—I was extremely dizzy, my neck was aching, and at the same time, I had to be totally focused on answering the items. For Biology, there were easy and extremely difficult items, and afterwards, Physics and Chemistry were both extremely difficult, and I must say that I just guessed most of my answers. Even though I felt a bit at ease for the Social Sciences portion, I also guessed some of the items. Thankfully, despite of my uneasy situation, I managed to finish the afternoon set ahead of time, and I spent the few minutes in stretching my neck and resting my head, and relaxing a bit.

Finally, I went through NMAT and I finished it! I’ll be waiting for the results next year. Allah knows that I gave my best and I am hoping for the best—to have high scores to enroll for Medical School next year, inshaAllah.

45th Update

God, please help me in this endeavor, guide me, and grant me strength.

44th Update

Today, I went to my school library so I can have the last rounds of review. I picked up a book on physics and it really drove me nuts just flipping through its pages. Honestly, I just read some of the book articles, but with regards to the basic formulas, constants and computations ― I have no idea on how to handle them. The review is really very difficult in Physics, and what more of Chemistry and Algebra? I can't possibly have all of them within the next two days of review...

43rd Update

The Facade of Albertus Magnus Building

I'm counting the days for the upcoming NMAT, and last Monday, I received my Notice of Admission. I'll be taking the exams at the Albertus Magnus Building, University of Sto. Tomas on December 4. I am very excited to take the test, though I can say that I'm not totally prepared.

I'm doing a bit of reading for Biology and Social Sciences, but haven't had any practice on solving Mathematics and reviewing on Physics and Chemistry. I'm also a bit of apprehensive on the Inductive Reasoning portions because it takes a lot of time for me to fully analyze the figures and sequences. I can say that I'll take the exams as it is and to rely on my stocked knowledge in answering the test questions.

It's going to be my first time to visit the University of Sto. Tomas campus in Espańa Boulevard, Manila. Hopefully, I can take photos in the campus after the exam. We frequently pass by the facade and its hospital whenever we go to Manila. UST is actually the oldest university in Asia and it is the leading school in the Philippines when it comes to the Medical Profession. Back in college, I wanted to study in UST when I planned of taking up Medical School, but its proximity with regards to location made me decide to choose Angeles University Foundation, which is nearer to where I live.

This is a new chapter in my life journey, and I am excited to embark on this new horizon— to become a doctor.

42nd Update

Last night, after updating my blog, I thought of exploring BlogSpot and browsed the blogs of other bloggers like me. I was particularly glad to observe that most of the blogs that I visited had what I think was ‘human touch’ in them— they are not alienated despite the presence of the platform of technology which they used.

           

The first one focused topics on typography, literature and poetry, another blog featured wedding photography and travel, while others highlighted their designs and art portfolios, family moments, and even personal ramblings and insights, adventures, and photographs. One can definitely note of the various things under the sun that these writers can share to the rest of the world. My favorite was the humanitarian causes, particularly on the relief and recovery operations for children who experienced disaster; and sustainable energy and its conservation programs for underprivileged countries.

With these observations, I am very happy to know that there are still a lot who endeavored to utilize the Internet in beneficial ways— to improve oneself, to share ones talents to help others, to share the products of the mind in order to innovate ways of improvement, promoting morally upright values, helping those in need to ease pain and suffering, and most of all, promoting the awareness and faith in One God Who created us all.

I wish to see more of these positive content in the future— for everyone to realize that the Internet must be used towards spreading genuine information, positive values, and to eradicate content which spreads immorality, lies, deceit, promiscuity, violence that corrupts the lives and minds of human beings, especially of the younger generation.

41st Update

It's been quite a while since I last had my essay update. I'm on our shop right now, working and arranging records and monitoring our sales. I'm also busy preparing for other activities. I have to set aside painting for this time because I have to start reviewing for my upcoming exams next month. The last piece which I finished just in time for the start of my reviews is the Rose Cottage Garden and it is a bit smaller in size compared to my other previous paintings. I bought it home two days ago, as soon as it was finished and now it is set to dry on my study table. I sleep and wake up looking at it and it really makes me happy to see it everyday in my room. I was able to finish four paintings within four months and I am glad to observe my progress in terms of refining my subject matter, efficiency in using the oil medium, handling of materials, refining techniques, and the time frame with which i am able to finish the artworks. Among the skills that I found necessary were patience, determination, visual perception in space and color harmony, composition of painting's elements and forms, and enhancing rich imagination.

The process of painting is a wonderful journey of self-discovery and improvement for the artist. It starts with a quirky idea until the idea is being put into action from start to finish. Along with the idea, I choose the materials which I need so I could start the painting. I measure the dimensions of the brace frames, although most of the time in inexact proportions (I leave the final and exact measurements when the painting is to be framed). Afterwards, I apply the base coats of white primer, let it dry, then start with the process of painting. Sometimes, I do a pre-planned sketch, but most of the time, I end up with a slightly or totally different finished piece - mostly through imagination and analysis.

But by this week, I am bringing my paintings back home to be stored up temporarily. I have to start and take focus in reviewing for the NMAT. When I started answering the reviewers, I realized that I forgot most of the topics covered on the test. That's why I have to do a lot of reading, especially in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics, and practice solving equations in Algebra. It's been three years since I graduated from college, which means that there should be digging up of old books and notes. Gladly, I didn't stopped reading books about Psychology, the Social Sciences, Arts, and English. I still keep on reading books, improving my writing, vocabulary, and behavioral analysis, and developing insights. So I hope that these activities will be of great help for the preparations.

I'm overwhelmed, excited and a bit nervous, because I barely have an idea on where to start basing the topics per subject. For that matter, faith and prayers are very important so I can be properly focused and at ease for the exams. I have to make a little outline for the lessons to be reviewed to organize and determine the starting point per subject. Schedules must also be arranged within the course of the following weeks to avoid mental cramming.

40th Update

The Rose Cottage Garden (Oil on Canvas): From Start to Finish

39th Update

The Cottage Garden - Finished Piece (Oil on Canvas)

38th Update

Today is a very special day for me, though I really am not supposed to celebrate it because I'm turning a year older. It was a typical day of work, but there are remarkable things which I accomplished for the day. The first one is that I woke up early, around 4:45 am and started my day early as well. And then after drinking hot chocolate and sweeping our living room, I ate my breakfast and prepared for work, I received the drivers' boundaries, noted some maintenance expenses, listed down and monitored the sales, painted, and most of all, MY TWO PAINTINGS ARE NOW FRAMED! :) After work, we went to the market and then headed to Marquee Mall to fetch my younger brother who participated on the skateboarding event. 

I bought a new book, Crime and Punishment written by Fyodor Dostoyevsky and had my reviewers downloaded. :) What a busy day for me! Tomorrow, I'm supposed to have my day off, but my mom requested me to come to work and then later, God willing, I can have my reviewers printed out.

Well, that's it for now. Till next time,

> Maica.

37th Update

Last Sunday, I bought a beautiful coffee-table book which was entitled ROSES: Inspirations for Practical Gifts, Crafts and Displays by Gilly Love, with photographs by Michelle Garrett. Considering the price and the quality, it is very affordable in terms of the really valuable and lovely content of the book itself.

It comes along a glossy paper cover jacket which is exactly the same print as that of the book. The book starts with a brief overview of the rose and its history, and how various hybrids were developed through the breeding of original species brought mostly by travelers and horticulturists. It features the stories, myths, and legends about roses, various varieties and kinds of roses for gardening and designing, roses and their health benefits, lovely design and gift ideas, roses for perfume and taking care of skin and body, and how to make various refreshments, deserts and recipes using roses and their fruits.

I discovered that roses are edible and they can be used to make salads, mix with chocolates and creamy cakes and fruits, make refreshing rose petal and lemon cordials, mix with cooking spices, and even make candies out of whole, fresh blossoms.

Mixing roses with authentic cooking spices

Roses, with their exquisite colors and heady perfumes, have inspired poets, philosophers and lovers for centuries and continue to be the passion of gardeners and floral designers all over the world. Roses is a celebration of this unique flower, making delightful presents and producing delicious rose-flavored recipes.

 There are numerous ideas for decorating your home with roses, with table stylings and floral designs to making rose-scented potpourri and decorative candies. A section on making your own beauty products and using rose-scented oils in aromatherapy is also included. Gifts to make include pressed rose stationery, cards and decorated boxes. Rose petals, hips and waters form the basis of a wide selection of delicious recipes to tempt any cook and include rose hip jam, rose vinegar, crystallized petals and peach and rose sorbet.

The projects are illustrated with clear, step-by-step photographs and easy-to-follow text that guarantee swift and successful completion of the designs. Throughout the book are numerous tips and suggestions for different styling ideas and ways of using roses, making Roses a delightful and inspiring guide to rose crafts, floral designs and decorations, and a book no rose connoisseur should be without.   

– Roses, Cover Jacket

Below are some photographs from the book.

36th Update

newly-sharpened pencils, my favorite medium:the watercolour pencils :)

35th Update

Art Medium and Brands I use

Albrecht Dürer Watercolor Pencil Tin - 36 count (#117536)

Albrecht Dürer Watercolor Pencils provide artists with great versatility of expression when drawing, shading, and painting in watercolors. Rich pigments dissolve completely when blended with a wet brush. These high quality watercolor pencils are offered in 120 colors that are permanent when dry and color matched to all other Faber-Castell lines. (source: http://artgraphic.fabercastell.com)

Color & Co Oil Colours 

Color & Co fine oil painting sets are high quality colours for traditional oil painting. They have a high level of pigmentation, a smooth full bodied consistency, good covering power, uniform consistency, good lightfastness, and good working properties.

• Canvas or canvas board
• Good pigmentation
• Good covering power 

(source: http://bookshop.cqu.edu.au)

REEVES Water Mixable Oil, Colour Set, 12 ml Tube, 24 Tubes

Paint with genuine oil colors without using solvents. Looks, feels, and performs like traditional oil paint. Features a high level of pigmentation, smooth-bodied consistency, and good lightfastness. Colors include: lemon yellow, medium yellow, brilliant red, crimson, phthalo blue, ultramarine, sap green, viridian hue, yellow ochre, burnt umber, ivory black, titanium white, orange, flesh tint, violet, permanent light green, burnt sienna, Payne’s gray, deep yellow, magenta, rose madder, cerulean blue, cobalt blue, and raw umber. (source: http://www.enasco.com)

Winsor & Newton's Artisan Water-Mixable Linseed Oil 

Winsor & Newton's Artisan range of mediums has been specifically designed for use with the Artisan Water-Mixable Oil Paints, allowing you to continue working with the same mediums you would use in oil painting but maintain the ability to use water to thin youroil colour and to clean your brushes and painting equipment. Winsor & Newton's Artisan Water-Mixable Linseed Oil is the main binder used in the manufacturing of Artisan Oil Colours, and adding it as a medium will allow you to reduce the consistency and improve the flow of your oil paints. It is also the most popula rmedium of the Artisan range. (source: http://www.artstore.co.uk)

Marie's Professional Gouache Color

Renowned for their brilliance, opacity and great tinting strength, Marie's Gouache colors is a finely ground, water based paint and ideal for students and artists of all ages. The sets contain most popular colors. Conforms to U.S. health ASTM D4236 and Europe EN-71 standard.12/14/18 color set available. All the tubes are secured in white plastic tray (source: http://www.arttool.com)

Stabilo Carb Othello Pastel Pencil 

This pencil is simply a chalk pastel with a wood casing and can be sharpened to a fine point. It can be dry mixed and blended or by adding water used as watercolour. There are 60 colours. They have high pigmentation, great luminosity and opacity plus brilliant results when used on dark backgrounds. They are easily blendable and completely non-toxic. Wonderfully dry and dusty, just like charcoal, the soft lead will also draw perfectly on delicate paper. Can be bought individually or in robust metal tins. (source: http://www.artshopmaterials.co.uk)

34th Update

27 September 2011 Tuesday

Finally, the electricity is back!

The storm outside is very strong and while I was in the store this afternoon, the wind was actually tossing the signboards, the trees, and the leather covering the jeepney which was being repaired. The wind reinforced the strength of the rain and it pours in many directions. The storm is still raging outside while I’m writing now, and it seems that it will last until tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I’m getting a lot busier these days, arranging stocks and maintaining orderliness in the store, monitoring our records, sales and customers, composing a huge painting, planning, writing, and reviewing a lot. I was sort of neglecting my rose plants because I have so many things to do and tasks to be accomplished, while the month of September is drawing to a close. I’ll probably have my roses caring time by weekend, God-willing. Hopefully, before this month ends, I have already arranged my papers for submission, and am prepared for the examination by the end of the year. I’ve been planning and waiting for this opportunity and I hope and pray that God will give me the chance and the blessings to pursue it. Now, I have something to look forward to achieving in my life and it really makes me a lot happier, determined, and it gives me a lot of energy to work hard and be patient with whatever trials that happen in my life.

The teardrop waltz humming in my ears brings nostalgia memories in me—particularly when I still have my laptop computer. I missed my laptop a lot as it had been my companion when I am alone. It’s been more than a year since it was stolen from me, and I wonder how the thief managed to use it because it’s already non-functioning and he has to spend money just so he can have it repaired. But at least, even though I no longer have a laptop, I am happy and content with what I have in my life. I have many dreams and probably they are also my source of inspiration in my life, I love to learn and pursue new heights, and by God’s leave, He will grant me the strength to achieve them.

It’s a bit late now and I still have to watch a thriller movie, Silence of the Lambs. 

Till next time, with lots of love and creative inspiration, coming from the lovely and weirdo,

Maica.

33rd Update

Yesterday, while I accompanied my parents on shopping on a thrift store, I  spotted a lot of clocks on  display and they looked so colorful, so I thought of  catching them with my phone.

32nd Update

It's finally weekend again, and I can't hardly believe that time runs so fast! It was an especially busy week for me, monitoring our sales, drivers, and making sure that tasks are delegated effectively. At the same time, I'm looking forward to a number of preparations, attending school meeting by Saturday, doing a bit of review on cognitive psychology, and lots of organizing and some house chores for tomorrow. As of now, I'm preparing to rest as the day started early for me, and it's good to practice being an early bird for work, it fosters self-discipline and punctuality.

I already assembled my canvas yesterday, did the sawing, nailing the wood, stretching, adjusting, and attaching the canvas on the stretcher frame, and applying the white base paint. Flipping over my books and magazines, I'm thinking of how my new painting's composition will be. I'm especially glad for the overall work of the Cottage House.and considering a bit of style repetition with regards to the new painting. The canvas measures around 5 ft. x 3 ft. and I'm trying to figure out how it would work if I try it purely on impressionism, graffiti, if I'd still use the Cottage House style, or make it like a dream scenery, or incorporate all those styles into one. What I'm avoiding is the look as if the painting's elements look like a flat-colored illustration book, or the colors would look bland, or the subject matter wouldn't elicit a reaction from the viewer. That's why I prefer to do a bit of planning for this painting. I'm very inspired to paint since I bumped on Coldplay's website and saw that their upcoming album features very colorful and meaningful art. I'm also considering using mixed media method: incorporating neon-colors spray paints with touches of oil paint for textures and details.

There's a lot of catching up to do when it comes to planning a painting like this— the mind is very sensitive to outside disturbances and I have to catch and preserve ALL the incoming ideas and put them all in together so that I can compose and work though the painting continuoulsy with proper focus and steady coming ideas and inspiration. The creative process is difficult to understand and explain, and while the work of art is being done, lots of passion, patience, hard work, and focus as well as creative growth is produced. I hope that this painting will be pretty and meaningful when it's finished. :)

-Maica

31st Update

Review Draft (Kluge: The Haphazard Evolution of the Human Mind by Gary Marcus)

Arguing that our minds are not as elegantly designed as we might like to believe, Marcus suggests that the imperfections are the result of evolution's tendency to pile new systems on top of old ones - and those systems don't necessarily always work well together. The end result is a "kluge," a clumsy, cobbled together contraption. In a tour of the essential areas of human experience - memory, belief, decision-making, language - Marcus unveils a fundamentally new way of looking at the evolution of the human mind and sheds light on some of the most mysterious aspects of human nature.

- Kluge, Back Cover

The human mind is a mixture of inconsistencies. It can systematically plan and prepare, but it can also disregard those prepared plans in favor of immediate and short-term gratification. It can store and accurately retrieve memories, but it can also hardly absorb readily available information, and sometimes, memories which can be retrieved at one particular time can also be distorted due to subjectively retained external stimuli. In other words, despite its reliability in certain aspects of information processing and retrieval, it is actually a mixture of complex areas which oftentimes seem to work together in an intertwined manner—rational decisions can be influenced with the subjective preferences of emotions.

The human mind is not infinite in reason, but as the book suggests, it is more of a ‘kluge.’

A kluge is a clumsy or inelegant –yet surprisingly effective solution to a problem. The human mind is a fantastic kluge and it is a quirky yet magnificent product of the entirely blind process of evolution.

It was even compared to a brand of paper feeder which was described as

Accordingly temperamental, subject to frequent breakdowns, and devilishly difficult to repair—but oh so clever! It was possible to do better. It is a great metaphor for our everyday acceptance of the idiosyncrasies of the human mind, imaginably impressive, a lot better than any available alternative. But it’s still flawed, often in ways we scarcely recognize. For the most part, we simply accept our faults—as standard equipment. Recognizing a kluge, such as the human mind, requires thinking outside the box. The best science often comes from understanding not just how things are, but how else they could have been.

Nature is prone to making kluges because it doesn’t care whether its products are perfect or inelegant. If something works, it spreads. If it doesn’t work, it dies out. All else is metaphor.

In other words, the human mind as a kluge, is a product of evolution, if some of its functions don’t work effectively, the better functions stay in place and improve, while newer functions are developed to replace the ineffective ones.

30th Update

The Cottage House (Oil On Canvas) Date Finished : September 10, 2011

29th Update

I'm now back to work. I'm especially re-energized for the past few days after we celebrated the end of the month of Ramadhan, and we went to the beach together with my parents and younger siblings, strolled at the mall, ate yummy food (cake, ice cream, grilled fresh fish, rice, and a lot more). I enjoyed the travel, some picture taking, sightseeing and breath in the fresh sea air, and most of all, I felt a lot lighter now.

After seemingly heavy days for the past year, I had proved to myself that God's promise indeed worked for me, that

"Verily along with every hardship is relief." (Qur'an 94:6)

I learned a lot about myself, about others, about faith, life and wisdom, suffering, redemption, and healing. I prayed and asked God for forgiveness to my sins and shortcomings, and for strength and guidance to help me pass through my trials. I painted and honed my skills in art, I wrote down my hatred and suffering, I made essays, I became focused on my work, I read a lot of books and absorbed every bit of them, and learned ways on how to apply the new-found knowledge and put it into practice. I learned that not all things and people are how we thought they really are, and most of the time, our positive view about them is not always true, a lot of them had me lost my respect and trust for them, and they lied, deceived, manipulated, controlled, and they played with my emotions.

After a serious isolation, study, and self-reflection, I re-learned to gain my lost sense of self and confidence, rationality, wisdom in life, started to work towards my goals, re-invented myself, tossed away defeatist and pessimistic thoughts (I blew off my anger, hatred and frustration through nu metal), gained control of my emotions though common-sense thinking, I developed a clearer view of who I really am as a person, and analyze my thoughts and behavior objectively.

Amid all the trials that I went through, I discovered that God loves me, because when I believed that I could no longer survive, here I am, I became an even stronger person. I learned to overcome my perceived anxieties  and fears and I am more at peace with myself and with the rest of the world. I could not have been stronger like this if God didn't give me this trial. My thinking is clearer and my principles in life and religion are well-defined. I came to appreciate even more, the importance of truth and genuineness to oneself, with ones words, with others, no matter the costs.

I never waste my time and I see to it that every day of my life is spent in worshipping God, doing good, and in being productive. I will never allow myself to to be enslaved with anybody's treatment, perceived bias thoughts, with false flattery and destructive criticism, with circumstances which are beyond my control, and with my emotions and thoughts which prevent my growth to become a better person.

This life is only a trial, we may be deceived with false appearances, statements, words and actions, which may at first seem to be for our well-being, but  when time comes, we realize that what we believed was true was only meant to deceive and manipulate us - because that in reality was how they were meant to be programmed. That's how modernity, consumerism, and technology are being used nowadays. It's a serious and big business to catch the emotions of people, play with them, and use their lives and thoughts for the satisfaction of desires, self-interest, power, money, and lust. And through this observation, I see people falling victims in this trap - the more they lose their grasp in their faith in God, self-awareness, service and kindness to others, the complete way of life that God has guided us with - the more they destroy themselves - they become materialistic, vain, always seeking fame and popularity, just so they can be better suited and belong to an environment and society they always allowed to define them as persons.

To be free is by submitting everything to God and not becoming enslaved with the deceit and lies of this world. This awareness becomes a way for me to strive to do what is good because through goodness and virtue is earning God's pleasure and a hope for a better life in the Hereafter.

28th Update: Going to the Beach at Olongapo, Zambales

The waves are strong and some rain is drizzling. But it was a very wonderful day to spend with family, traveling, and eating yummy food (to mention two cakes, two fresh and grilled yellow-fin tuna and a lot of snacks!).

Meanwhile, I bought a new journal so I can somehow jot down my everyday adventures and daily insights. It's a refreshing new way to get my writing exercises and get organized with my outlook and perspective about things. I bought it over when we dropped by the mall with my parents and siblings, before we traveled to the beach. It's hardbound and it resembles a cute little book. I'm looking forward to writing a lot again! :)

27th Update

I started a new painting around three days ago and I recycled a canvas cloth which I used as a background for an exhibit which I organized when I was in college. The old painting is still seen behind the layers of white primer, but as the work progresses, the old background will recede and a new landscaped cottage garden will take its place. :)

An everyday note...

I just arrived home. Its Sunday, and me, together with the younger ones went for a stroll around the market and mall. I bought a skirt from my favorite thrift store, ate a yummy snack, and afterwards went to a bookstore and bought a pen refill and and a new set of sketch pad. It's a bit of relaxing to come and see the world outside every once in a while.

26th Update

"I am not afraid to keep on living..

I am not afraid to walk this world alone."

-MCR

I finally conquered my enemy. I have met many women like me who suffered, sacrificed themselves and their happiness, and loved with their whole heart. But they were betrayed by men who were multiple timers, opportunists, perverts, and liars.

In the end, these women emerged as victors, standing up again stronger than before, caring for themselves again, spreading kindness and compassion to their children, family, friends, and people in need, and most of all, making a difference. Faith in God and strength of character shines on them.

Thus, I can say that success and happiness are their sweetest when the worst of pain and hardship was defeated and over.

25th Update

It’s been days and I am excited to update and catch up with my blog! :) My PC literally refused to boot and it got repaired just yesterday. Gladly, all my files were stored on the second hard drive and they weren't affected by the PC reformat. I’m sitting here in front of the shop, writing on my notebook. It’s a bright Sunday morning  with clear skies. I've been busy for days, waking up at around 3 or 4am and working for the rest of the day. Though my schedule is busy, I never miss praying, organizing myself, read good books, daydream, listen to my soundtracks, draw, paint, plan, and write (as I am doing today). It’s really a must for me to nurture these activities, and be in touch with my inner world.

Lately, I’ve been reading good books which I find really life and perspective changing. It’s surprising how they taught and challenge me to question a lot of my previously held psychological insights and to discover that all these years, my thoughts were actually a prisoner of many of these theories. Much of what I learned before focused on ever-analyzing negative issues over and over, trying to find solutions for them, but eventually, lead me into being stuck on a past that won’t come back.

Now, I’m learning again on a more positive perspective, finding new ways to re-frame my thoughts towards those which are more important and useful. It has further nurtured my creative, social, and spiritual life, strengthening my mind and faith. I’m glad and very grateful to God for giving me ample time and resources to reflect and re-analyze my purposes and goals in life. I was constantly asking questions why someone and some dreams were lost, and I realized that God must be giving me signs that it’s not yet the right time. I still have to accomplish my goals and a lot of activities before it’s the proper time for me to be given such blessings. :)

I do love challenges, so in that note, there’s always hope to live everyday with a purpose to look forward to achieving, a clear direction in life, and be happy. Along with that, we must always strive to develop our talents and intellect. When we overcome the negativity that prevents us from nurturing ourselves, blessings are appreciated and the past is looked upon with smiles.

On a brighter note, I went to Angeles University Foundation last week to inquire for the upcoming NMAT (National Medical Admissions Test) to prepare for Medical School to pursue my studies as a psychiatrist. Gladly, I went there just in time. I was informed that the upcoming NMAT applications will be released sometime between September or October. I’ve been preparing for this exam for the past three years and finally, God has given me the time to pursue it. I’m excited!

With lots of love and creative inspirations, coming from the lovely and weirdo.

Maica