21 January 2014

Human(ity)

Dear blog, how had you been doing? It's been quiet here lately just that photographs just fill the spaces in between. The start of this year I must admit had been sort of a roller-coaster ride for me and I will only lie if I say that all is smooth-sailing, that there are no 'hardships and struggles'. Days that were spent alone at work brooded so many thoughts that had laid dormant since my younger years, but those thoughts sparked again due to a very terrible trial. In as much as the middle of last year when I realized that my faith and connection to the Almighty had been getting stronger, and I was at the point of working my way to be the best who I have to be for Him, unavoidable trials came again, one after the other. I described it to a recently met friend like a 'wound that is almost healing and then someone came with a knife and sliced the wound open and kept on burrowing his hand all over it.' Words aren't even enough to fully describe the pain of the re-opened wound. It's like I can't help asking the question why a person who is so willing to help other people in need will be wounded by them in ways terribly severe and damaging. How despite the night vigils and blackened traces on ones forehead, one asks for God, for the mercy of ones Creator, the opposite happens? When and how will this end? Amid all the terrible pain in my chest, I pray that if death is better for me, that He take away my soul the soonest possible time, because I am very tired...I am bruised all over, the pain in my heart had surpassed any physical pain I had endured all my life. That the moment my heart stops beating and be buried deep in the ground is better for me than to live always like this: enduring one tragedy after the other. They say that trials and difficulties strengthen a person, perhaps that is the way it is for them. But in my case, it seems that everyday, I am getting weaker and weaker. I can't even imagine how much tears my eyes had shed for the past five years. I had just almost recovered from one grief and another and another came again... I feel afraid that none of what I do will ever make sense... Nothing makes sense anymore to me, I am a human being, I cannot achieve the perfection of sincerity towards my Creator when from all sides the devil whispers and influences my thoughts and actions. When and where will I ever achieve certainty and safety? When I read His Book, I feel guilty, and confused...Where is truth? Where is honesty? Where is loyalty? Where is purity? Are humans to be even compared to objects or material things, to fill up base sensations? Aren't we beings with souls and spirits hoping to achieve the highest values that are meant for us?

This is not a happily hypocritical writing, but a lingering truth. A vulnerable humanity.