30 December 2011

The Ending of a Chapter

There are so many things in our lives which we never expect will happen. No matter how we plan and work towards our goals and dreams, most of the time, twists of fate happen and we suddenly find ourselves in places we never thought we will be carried into— where we go will always be directed by a Higher Power Who guides us— sometimes in ways we could never comprehend or understand, despite of the wisdom we believe we already have. And no matter how hard it is to understand, life will hold meaning to us— and we have to go through, and to learn from it— and eventually to accept that ‘reality’ may not always be in terms with our dreams, with our aspirations— with the way we see the world.

How I went through this year, I could hardly understand. It was indeed, the most difficult transition in my life that I had to endure— it was between hope and death— between utter darkness and acceptance, of the need to overlook ones pain in order to move forward with life. And I learned to understand and accept that there must be questions that should be left unanswered and that life does not depend on hoping to get everything clarified. To understand the unknown, to accept though with a heavy heart until in the face of of all the doubt and uncertainty— life will always hold its own mysteries and it will not tell us everything that we want to know— it will always keep its own secrets. Behind the fa├žade that we see in it everyday— I learned to not simply believe its false appearances— that what is seen from the outside may even be meant to deceive and to take away hopes and leave nothing but pain, brokenness, and grief. There are memories which should be better left as they are, there are memories which deserve to be forgotten and completely erased, and there are memories to be learned from, and most of all, there are memories which are cherished and looked back into with happiness and longing.

I went through this year when I believed that all my hopes were taken away from me, when the future looked so dark, that I could see nothing of its promises kept. It was beyond words. The pain can never be described by words. Passing through it was like being grant a second chance of life. It had taught me to redefine the way I see life in general, my hopes, my dreams, and my faith. In this journey, I slowly learned to see my place in the world— that even my own way of seeing becomes so utterly disillusioned— distorting my own reasoning and comprehending of what is truly happening. Perhaps, I truly believed it was ‘love’ and it was how I expected— but to the contrary, it was not. Love has another meaning, and sadly, my way of believing on it was wrong. And the more I believed in it, the more I expected out of it—but everything was thrown back to me— the pain and grief was almost more than I could endure. It destroyed what I believe in— and I could not understand that in my own silent world, why it would happen. I suddenly questioned the sense of values which I uphold as a person— if love, kindness, justice, and truth even exist, because in return, I was thrown with lies, deceit, suspicion, hatred, anger, and revenge. I wanted revenge. I needed to protect myself against the injustices which were inflicted against me— when all the while, I am living in a world of silence, not wanting to hurt anyone. I cannot believe that I will ever be subjected in this form of treachery, deceit, and hypocrisy. Every fiber of my being began to question the validity of beliefs and values which I uphold. And this journey was long, tedious, it was odd— and I could hardly imagine how to pass through— as each step proved to be very difficult to take. It was like riding through a roller-coaster— there were times when I am losing hope, there were times when I want to run and escape, there were times when I don’t want to move, there were times when I no longer felt any concern to anyone, there were times when I thought that it was over but eventually to realize that it’s haunting me again, there were times when hope was beginning to reach its rays on me, and there were times that a sense of being renewed dawns on me. And now, I’m deciding to close that painful chapter in my life and to forget it. To move forward and start making new memories to someday look back and cherish with a heart filled with happiness.

One of the most important things in life is not how fast you do things and run after time, how much you accomplish, or how many material things you want to hoard—rather, it is in acceptance, in submission to God’s will. Destiny may oftentimes be very hard to understand because we believe that as long as we work towards goals with passion, hard-work and perseverance, we will achieve them— and it becomes truly painful when our hopes are shattered when they will never come true. This is where trust in God’s power to guide our life paths is important. And it is better to leave things just the way they were meant to be, because our understanding is very limited. God, in His Infinite knowledge will encompass everything— and that is even beyond our own capacity to work with our hands and to comprehend with our minds. There is always goodness in everything that God willed to happen in our lives and we may not be able to see it at first, but through faith and patience, God will let us see it— in proper time.

These are lessons and trials which I passed through, praise be to Allah—He made me open my eyes and my mind so that I can see and go beyond my own world in order to understand that this world is not always based on how I see it through my rose-colored glasses. Injustice, lies, treachery, suffering, pain, and grief exist in this world of trials. Those who are successful are those who believe and uphold their faith no matter what life throw on them.

I am starting and beginning again, to dream and to work towards my goals, to be happy and to once again see the beauty of the world, to savor life even if it is bittersweet. If God will allow me to, I will take focus on my goals to become a doctor. But in this ending, I start again and continue, to write, to paint, to read, to see flowers, to go and see places, to take adventures, to love, to be with my parents and siblings, to expand my horizons, to serve others, to increase my love of learning, and to strengthen my faith.

Life goes on. The world continues its own course and so does the rest of the universe. It does not stop when tears begin to fall. It continues, it goes on… A chapter must end. A new chapter must begin.